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Blog Dating

" You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know." ~Unkown~
” You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.”
~Unkown~

Blind dating, on-line dating, serial dating, I’ve done it all.

I’ve dated until I’m out-dated, fed-up, and quite seriously amused by the absurdity of it all.

Having grown tired of primping the girls and spending cash on twenty-dollar martinis, I had left the speed and direction of Cupid’s arrow up to the fates.

I’d been feeling kinda sorry for myself lately because my dating life had been derelict except for the occasional younger man, and acquiescence to boredom with no good intention other than not getting into my flannel nightie until after 10pm.

Having given up on-line dating a few years ago after having dated someone for almost three years who turned out to be trolling on-line dating sites prior to our break-up, I decided that the caliber of man to be met ‘on-line’ was not really the quality of lover I wished.

I’d decided to stick to real, in-the-flesh-men-brave-enough-to-have-a-face-to-face-conversation over the ones you meet on-line from gawd-only-knows-where, wanting gawd-only-knows-what.

As luck would have it, it’s the young ones who are ballsy enough and not-yet-jaded-beyond-hope who have done the asking. That’s a wonderful turn of the sheets darlings, but nothing that can satisfy a woman of a certain age for more than a couple of hours at a time.

This weekend I had my attitude adjusted just a little bit. A fellow blogger posted the sweetest, most sincere blog about his desire to find companionship and love. He inspired me to rethink going after what I want. Hell, I do it professionally, why not on the beautiful, river of love?

Ralph, author, master and keeper of  BlueFishWay,  posted his heart’s desire to find true love. Please click-through the link, because who knows, you could be the next Mrs. Ralph, or know someone who is interested.

Now, Ralph, the master of BlueFishWay, was not shy about letting the world know that he wants a companion, someone to share his life and joy.

This past weekend, I went to visit friends, and they had kindly invited a possible mate to their home as well. The Possible Mate was unfortunately tied up with family commitments in Quebec, but nonetheless, they had thought of me. Much appreciated. Please try again.

Seriously – keep trying!

So, for all of my friends out there, or readers who have single pals, do your duty to introduce us to eligible partners.

Caveat; you may be held responsible for either party being disappointed. More Significant Caveat;  you will be held responsible for dealing with our dead bodies and dozens of cats if you fail at this social duty.

I’m available for coffee, dinner engagements and social outings.

Darling, have your people call my people, and let’s make this happen.

 

 

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What’s Up With That?!

HENRY O'HARA CLIVE Seaside Flirtation, calenda...
HENRY O’HARA CLIVE Seaside Flirtation, calendar illustration, c. 1925 (Photo credit: Fred Seibert)

Today was a long day darlings.

Having only realized my lack of ice-cold club soda upon arriving home, I had to substitute champagne.

Given the hooch-tragedy, I decided to go all out fabulously-girly and enjoy it while soaking neck-deep in a bubble bath.

Immediately after the bubbles hit my blood stream I  became relaxed and inspired by sublime genious. In the candlelit room, serenaded by the likes of Ella Fitzgerald and Nina Simone, I wondered about;

1) How someone so ugly on the inside can be almost as ugly on the outside – Bashir Al  (now that’s downright ug-lee). Are we really wasting time playing this idiot’s game? Seriously. How can this breathing example of satan still be standing when innocent kids get shot on the street. Just the thought almost makes me want to switch from bubbly to bourbon.

2) Why does our conscience evolve to higher ethical and moral standards at a point in life where day-to-day stress and our need for physical connection are both at their height? Getting laid is far more work than it’s worth, and with a more discerning conscious, it’s like having a got-lucky-hangover the next day.  Call me.

3) I wonder if it would be ok to kick someone in the wiggly bits for routinely disrespecting my time?

4)  Do most women appreciate that they peak physically in their early 30’s as acutely as I did?

5) Why do we celebrate when things are going well for people? For example, we celebrate births, graduations and weddings. How about middle age spread where your friends would buy gift cards to clothing stores, showers for folks who are celebrating over a decade of being single (goodness knows I could certainly use some new tea towels and small appliances), or perhaps even celebrating your first complete calendar year taking anti-depressant medication?  That shit would rock!

6) Morning radio. We want a quick review of traffic, news and some music. I don’t want to hear some patronizing, politically, correct, melodramatic rant that goes on for half of my commute. Shut your trap and play some music already. Perhaps I need to call in tomorrow morning just to get this off my luscious chest.

7) Would it all be ok if one day we just decided to walk out on our life as we know it? What if one day you just didn’t go to work, pay your bills and wandered the planet dependent on the kindness of others? If my bubble-bath-champagne-fuelled opinion counts for anything, I think we’d all be considerably more happy. I’m sure some foot pervert would happily maintain my pedicures and you’d share your bourbon with me wouldn’t you darling?

8) How much talking does the weather-person have to freaking do? Just tell us the temperature, the type of precipitation, and if there’s a twister on the way you annoying-waste-of-time! Sheesh!

9) People who call to schedule appointments through the work day, and complain, ” But I work.” Yah? Really? I work too – do the math. We all work, see # 3, and appreciate we all like to be treated with the same respect.

10) How come my pizza guy always looks like a brow-beaten-on-the-edge-of-starvation character out of the Grapes of Wrath and not a porn star?

Yes, that covers the tiniest bit of what travelled through  my wee little girl brain tonight as I soaked my voluptuous, inebriated body in a deep, hot, bath.

I think I could be verging on genius. Of course, I think you are too darlings. Really, I do.

After having those not so charming questions loll around my pretty little head, I have decided to head straight for a protracted state of champagne-denial. Life is good my sweet little peaches, you just have to think it so.

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Valentine’s Day Dont’s

cupid
“Dear Lady be cautious of Cupid, List well to the lines of this verse, To be kissed by a fool is stupid, To be fooled by a kiss is worse”
~Ambrose Redmoon~

With the big day coming up in less than a month, I’m starting your training early. This goes for you too ladies.

It’s time to debunk some Valentine’s day myths. Let’s simply start with a what-not-to-do list.

1) Do not, EVER, believe your partner when they agree to ‘just not make a big deal of it’. Bah-lovebug!  If you’re arm-wrestled in to this arrangement, make a simple but romantic effort, and if your partner is a total doofus, reconsider your relationship status.

2) Do not buy lingerie. Be responsible for your own wardrobe so you each feel confident. Unless you’re into the Fifty Shades Fetish, then go to town.

3) Flowers. No need to buy the ever-over-priced, high-demand red roses. Yes, everyone appreciates the sentiment, but it’s even more thoughtful to bring her a bouquet of her favourites. Mine, for example, are daffodils. Go ahead and pick them up the day before, keep them in water, and voila – you’re in love.

4) Sexual delights. Giddy-up and use your imagination. Stretch first – don’t do anything that puts you at a high risk for breaking any bones. Emergency room visits, particularly those involving orifices, are rather unromantic.

5) Champagne, scotch, beer…whatever helps you relax and get in the mood. Don’t over do it. Much like E.R. visits, vomit and premature snoring are also not sexy.

6) Surprise getaways. Woo-hoo! Go for it. Make sure if you’re leaving early on a weekday that your sweetie isn’t stressed by it.

7) No matter what stage your relationship is at, Valentine celebrations should always involve kissing and laughter. Belly laughs score amazingly high on the sexy-meter.

8) Start planning now. If you’re making reservations, ordering a bouquet, or wanting to pick up some spices for the bedroom, you want the best selection and a variety of choice.  Go now.

9)  Relax. Your partner is with you because they like you, and they like spending time with you. Acknowledge the day as extravagantly or as simply as you like, just put some thought into it and make it special and sweet.

10) Plan something for two weeks after the big day, and every couple of weeks after that. You know, just to keep the embers warm.

 

Please pass this along to anyone who may be valentine deficient, and keep checking back

for the multitude of ideas coming from a dame who knows the ropes.

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You’ll NEVER Have to Date Again

couple-happy-kiss-love-married-Favim_com-256932

Dating sucks. It’s been touted as a necessary evil to arrive at the finish line of partnered bliss. I disagree.

I confess to having read the personal ads in the weekend Globe and Mail every weekend for the past decade. I find it absolutely fascinating.  Today’s lonely ad for a man looking for a woman reads like this;

A “great guy” – a very handsome, tall, athletic, engaging

and extremely successful professional with varied interests

from world travel to the arts seeks a tall, slim, fit, stunning

 successful, fun-loving and marriage minded mid-30’s female.

 Pls. reply to…

Yah. No thanks.  I’m sorry, but could this ad get any more generic? Hell, we’re all engaging with varied interests, and who isn’t interested in world travel  and art?

No one that I know at least.  The only clichés missing are – liking fine wine, dining out, and some sort of extreme sport. But I’m sure Mr. Engaging would have included those if it weren’t a paid by the character ad. Surprise, surprise, he’s looking for a slim, fit, stunning…aka – looks like a model and who gives a crap about the rest, because I’m that hot.

Pull-eaze Mr.I Sound Like Every Other Personal Ad Out There…you’re advertising in a newspaper for a mate. Get real. More to the point – get real expectations.

The last time I tried on-line dating (who cares whether it’s on-line or via the newspaper), the guy was a total knob of the highest order. He lied about his first name (who does that?), his age, and his marital status.

Nowhere in his ad did it say he was a  passive aggressive emotional abuser and a liar. That would have been really helpful to know right off the bat, but where’s the fun without the mystery? Right my pretties?

After giving him (I’m just using the pronoun because I’m still not sure I know his name),the benefit of the doubt, and finding him advertising his imitation self on-line while we were dating,  I realized that I would not be on-line dating again any time before I reached the age that my pubic hair stops regenerating itself.

Somewhere between blind dates, internet dating, and batting your eyelashes at the dude in front of you at the grocery store, there is a happy medium.

Yes my delicate sparkling gems, it’s called friendship.

Gasp and holy mackerel! Who would’a thunk it?

There was another article in the same edition of the globe, the first in a series, about the number of people living alone. Quite often the reason is that they’re trying to get themselves together before entering partnered paradise, they had a relationship and it didn’t work (so why bother potentially getting hurt again?), or they’re set in their ways.

Bullshit. I call bullshit.

People are scared as heck to get involved because way deep down in our fabulous, carefully crafted smooth persona’s, we fear rejection, pain and  grief.

Fear. Hmph! That bitch has all the fun.

Tell Fear you’re busy this month. Don’t pick up her calls. Send her email to your spam bin. When you’re finished with all of that nastiness, open your eyes to the people around you who are wonderful, funny, warm, caring and also dwelling alone.

Yes, friendship. After all, eventually we reach the stage, age, or realization that infatuation fades, our bodies change, and the most important thing at the end of the day is to curl up beside someone who ‘gets’ it, and still laughs with you every chance they get.

And that my juicy little berries, is sexy as hell.