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Mirror Mirror

Bush Trimming / Horticultural Bikini Wax by Banksy
Bush Trimming / Horticultural Bikini Wax by Banksy (Photo credit: dullhunk)

Spa visits are rife with interesting conversational tidbits. In my own mind that is.

Now, I have, as most ladies do, a regular aesthetician.

I’ve found a waxer and polisher that I like, and I have been faithful to her for the past five years.

We know what to expect from  one another. I drop my pants, and she efficiently goes about her business, with the soothing sounds of water and the pan flute flowing from the sound system.

Water and the pan flute don’t drown out the sound of screaming. That’s somewhat comforting, knowing the music isn’t a cover up for torture chambers, just an attempt to relax you as hot wax drips just  millimeters away from your little girl.

Today my groomer was away. Gone. Not to be found. I was at the mercy of another woman, and my anxiety hummed up an octave.

As I spread my grand, gorgeous self across the waxing table, I began to wonder at all of the unspoken thoughts I have, and that my aesthetician must certainly have.

First of all, I always wear ugly undies. It is not desirable that the woman waxing my personality-below-the-belt find my gitch interesting or attractive.

Mainly I’m concerned that they my panties are old enough I won’t care if wax gets on them, and that they are clean and odourless.

If we’re honest with ourselves darlings, the only two reasons that we go to the spa are that we’re too lazy to do the work ourselves (’cause let’s face it, with a little practice any woman can keep her pubes groomed and her nails painted), and, it’s an hour or two long escape from our men and children.

It’s sad that having our pubic hair pulled out is a break from how hard we’re expected to work at home.

So today, with my legs spread open, the only work I do is hold up one side of my Wal-Mart panties as my groomer applies warm wax to the edge of the pleasure pit, and then mercilessly pulls all the hair out. Yah. Nice.

Her method is slightly different, and she’s muttering a bit.  I’ve gone so long to the same Vietnamese owned spa that I’m convinced  if my labia were to speak, they’d be fluent in Vietnamese slang.  If I ever travel to that part of the world, I think I’ll just wear a dress and walk on my hands.

This goes on, until she assumes she’s balded me sufficiently in all the right places. I have a general sense that all is well in the valley of passion, and prepare to get up, and regain my dignity (aka put my pants back on).

Instead, she holds my shoulder down and offers a mirror. “Here. You check.”  Pardon?  Um… No.

That’s just a little to finicky and a bit kinky for my taste. Looking at my own lady bits in a mirror in this small space with another woman is like the B quality porn warm up to mutual masturbation.

Nah. No thanks. I’ll just take your word for it. I’m having someone come and check your work later on. With their tongue. I’ll let you know what they think.

Next time I’m not just walking in. I’ll be sure to book an appointment with my aesthetician – no mirror required.

We make our way over to the spa chairs, where there is a warm, bubbling spa waiting for my toesies.

There is no eye contact. We both pretend she hasn’t just seen my holiest-of-holies, and I relax as she buffs and polishes the less taboo bits.

There is no tip generous enough in my opinion for the women who do our dirty work.

 

Fashion · Girl Stuff · Life · Uncategorized

Dad Hair – Man Grooming No-No’s

When I met my best pal in university, we had one thing in common; our dads had the same hair. Dad hair was the line in the sand that determined, more than age itself, that a man was too old for us.

Dad Hair: def’n; Noun – Hair one inch or longer blown dry with a brush and blow dryer. Most often styled with women’s hair products. Most often a dead giveaway of gents 40+ or a Wanna Be.

Wanna Be: def’n; Noun – An old guy who wants to be a young guy. Highly unattractive.

Should your daily grooming routine (this is directed at gentlemen, unless you’re a very hairy gal) involve blow drying your hair, including your body hair,you likely need to revamp your routine.

Look Sharp!”, a 15 step grooming how-to manual for men in this Saturday’s Globe and Mail, frightens the hell out of me.  You see, I like a man’s man. Someone clean, up to date and with a morning get-out-of-the-house-and-get-to-work-routine that is fast and efficient. In other words, I want a man’s routine to make my own seem that much more feminine. Not an easy task especially after a women becomes a mother and/or comfortable with her own style and body, and no longer needs more than an hour primping. We need more time to catch up on issues of the day in the morning. We don’t want  you to look perfect guys. We want guys. Your ruggedness is a compliment to our femininity.

I will take you through “Look Sharp”  one item at a time.

#1 – “Say No To Lady Brows” – recommends using an eyebrow brush in the shower. WTF? If I found an eyebrow brush in a dude’s shower, I would think he had serious issues, and I confess, would likely use it myself.

#2 – “Lose the Baggage” – what to do about under-eye baggage…prop your head up on an extra pillow. Been there done that with my last prima-don, and it inhibits cuddling. Who wants to have to crawl up for a good-night kiss?

#3 -“Stop Shaving Wrong” – Ok, I like this one. Pay attention gents. I like the smooth cheekies against my thighs er, face.

#4-“Be a Well-Oiled Machine” – Another shaving tip. Again, I can’t relate. I do confess to having a particular kink for watching a man shave with a shaving brush and razor. Not anything weird like legs  or testicles (ok, maybe my legs)- his face – shaving his manly face.

#5- “Use Serum” – not.  Under his moisturizer? What. The. Hell? Serum?! Really?

#6-“Smell Good Everywhere” – Yes. Yum. Smell good. But they recommend talcum powder. I don’t care if it comes from Holt Renfrew. Talc conjures images of chaffing. Chaffing can never smell good. Skip the talc. Just shower, use some yummy cologne, or, just shower again before you want us to kiss your man bits and other delicious fleshy regions.

#7-“MakePeace with your Body Hair” – discusses a hair aura. Good advice, especially, ” But don’t go too short, Freeman warns: “No one wants to share personal space with a prickly pear””. Amen.

#8-“Ditch the BeadHead” – pomade and blow-drying recommended here, especially for the folically challenged. DO NOT DO THIS. You will have Dad Hair, and not ever have sexual relations again. You may as well go for the eyebrow brush in the shower and the talc.

#9-“Blow your Lid” – Nope. I’m going to  say that they should have put in a sex tip here, possibly even about the benefits of prostate stimulation….DO NOT BLOW DRY YOUR HAIR. Pretty please?

#10-“Reverse Your Losses” – again about how to make it look like you have more hair. Research shows that hair loss indicates higher levels of testosterone and va-va-va-bedroom. Skip the prescription drugs and the doctor’s office. Skip right on into bed, freshly showered, and voila! Extreme dude. Just what every woman wants.

#11-“Skip the Mouthwash” – Huh? Oh. Ok. Use a tongue scraper. I can live with that. I tend to abide by the “never invade your man’s bathroom time” rule. How long can it take to scrub-a-dub your tongue?

#12-“Tea Off” – Drink black and Green Tea to help bad breath. I can go for that.

#13-“Watch Your Back” – avoiding in-grown hairs by using a very manly buffing cloth. Would you keep the buffing cloth next to the eyebrow brush? My suggestion is give up narcism and let us in the shower with you and we’ll buff you. All over you…just sayin’

#14-“Tap into Flower Power” – unless this is about how to send your hot, sexy, strong, confident woman flowers, I’m not  even going to comment….no comment. Ok. It’s about choosing fragrance. Choose a good one guys. We do love it when you smell yummy.

#15-“Put Your Best Foot Forward”-Toe Nail Fungus. What the hell? They talk about talcum powder, buffing cloths and eyebrow brushes, and find it necessary to include toenail fungus?! Clearly any man who needs prompting with regard to this little faux-pas will not be reading the Globe and Mail’s Style Section.

I got a kick out of reading this, enjoyed the front and back shots of the cute model, but otherwise, hope that no man (heterosexual and in my dating pool anyway) takes this too seriously.

Be clean. Dress well, and be the rugged, cuddly teddy bear we need you to be.