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Being Single; Protecting Your Go-Juice

relaxonbeachIt seems that single people are the great catch-basin of sympathy for those friends negotiating marriages or the equivalent.

Our relationship troubles get us a pat on the head, and the standard, simple advice of, ‘If you don’t like it leave’.

A lot of coupled folks live their courage vicariously through us singletons.  Common platitudes include; You don’t need anyone, you’re independent, it’s time for you to focus on  your career (interchange that with a hobby, parenting, or some other such bullcrap), you don’t need a man/woman.

It’s easy for these folks to casually waive their ringed-fingers in the air and brush away our trite singleton emotional pain when, at the end of a hard day, they have someone to come home to, someone to snuggle up with, and someone to help negotiate the financial waters.

Yah, we get it. Relationships are not easy, and they take work. Why do you think it’s taken us so damn long to find someone we can live with? We understand why your spouse irritates the hell out of you. We really do. That’s why we didn’t marry them. We also understand why you irritate the hell out of them too.

There is an understood law of friendship that unless it is a true emergency, you don’t call after or before certain, civilized hours. Oh wait, that’s for coupled folks only. Single people stay up partying all night and writing their manuscripts. I wish. This long-weekend alone, I have been woken up every single morning with a text or call from a married pal in crisis, been needed (in person) for emergency advice out-of-town, and in my own living room.

Last night, I had a chance to put my feet up and enjoy a simple, quiet evening watching the ball game. By that time, My Go-Juice(you know, the fun energy that keeps you going) had run out, and I was in need of recharge time. I’ve been in need of recharge time for six months, but have neglected it too long.

I’m already counting down to my next holiday, and have narrowed down my escape destination to two options.

During the past few weeks I’ve come to realize just how burnt out,  in need of nurturing and good company I am.

If you are single, and find yourself constantly being asked for energy and time, it may be time to re-evaluate. Are you the one always organizing dinners, lunches or trips? Do your pals give you the brush off when you talk about your relationship struggles, but expect a kind ear when they bitch about their partners lip-smacking appreciation of anyone other than them, their messy habits, inability to communicate, lazy or alternately hyper libido?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then it’s time to recharge and re-fill your Go-Juice.

It’s ok to say no when you have nothing left to offer. God forbid us singletons get so cozy in ourselves that we’re happy handing out the candy-equivalent of peanuts for apathetic advice; If you don’t like it, leave.

It’s not that simple now, is it folks?

No, relationships are complex, fluid, wonderful things. Especially our friendships.

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Tinder – Let’s Review

My sweet little darlings, life has been, well, interesting, and challenging lately.

I have had a barrage of well-intended advice, assistance, and even passive aggressive jabs to my self-esteem by friends who find it their duty to point out my weak areas. …and you thought I didn’t notice …Thank you. That’s just what I need.

Anyway, a gal must do what a gal must do. I’ve found late night and middle-of-the-night-can’t-sleep-refuge in cheesy Nora Roberts novels and my Tinder APP.

You can go get yourself a Nora Roberts novel if you like, but I’m going to go ahead and give you my Tinder review.

The best way to do that, is to encourage you, my very dear readers, to sit back, and allow me to paint a mental picture for you using words to describe actual Tinder matches who are waiting for me, even now, as I type this.

*** I have changed the names to protect the identity of these fine men***

Matthew

First photo is of a gentleman sprawled shirtless in the back of a fishing boat. Moderate light brown/reddish chest hair and a ball cap. He has an ‘inney’ belly button. It’s just wrong that I know that.  The following photos involve landscapes and a dog eating something in the garden. My apologies Matthew. Good luck on the water. Left swipe.

Luke

Very impressive opener; a professional photo of himself with a well-groomed patch of facial hair.  Nice teeth, bald, 40 years old. What about photo number 2? Luke is speaking at a conference wearing a very delicate, white side-mic. Interesting. Let’s move on to photo number 3 shall we ladies? Ah yes, Luke in stages. Luke is shirtless with his arms around an electric blue and a neon green mannequin. Photo #4 Luke in full body spandex wearing a Santa hat. If it makes it seem less weird, he appears to be at a water sport event with other people wearing similar gear.  I’m not so sure about you Luke. But I’ll swipe right, what the heck.

Mark

Mark is 40 and has chosen to include a child (I’m assuming his) in his photo. No one wants to see pictures of kids on here. Three more photos of Mark smiling. Kinda cute. I’m sold; swipe right.

John

John has a beautiful cover photo, clearly a selfie, but well executed and no evidence of being in the powder room or car. Bravo John. Followed by 3 photos of John in combat gear with a paintball gun. John is also 109 ladies, or so it says. Sorry John, have fun playing in the woods. Left swipe.

Tony

Tony has only one photo. He’s wearing a New York Yankees cap and is at the ball park. Not a selfie, which means he either has friends, or isn’t shy to ask someone to take his photo. The only problem is that the only thing more annoying than the New York Yankees is a New York Yankees fan. But, he likes baseball, has a cute smile, and I like to banter with other baseball fans. You get a right swipe Tony, but if this works out, your closet will no longer contain Yankee Blue.

Mitchell

Initial photo; sitting on the back of a boat at sunset, beige shorts, navy top with a plastic cup in hand. Next three photos are gymish pictures of Mitchell. I think his nipples are actually bigger than mine, and that’s saying something. Next photo, Mitchell with a child. Meh, sorry Mitchell, I can’t compete with the nipples. Left swipe.

Bobby

First photo looks like he’s a mouth-breather. You know what I mean right? The kind of person who just wakes up stunned every day. Followed by more pictures of him looking bewildered.  He has taken time to write an extensive profile for Tinder (more than a sentence), and is looking for ‘phenomenally honest conversation’. Usually code for “I’m still searching for the meaning of life and find it impossible to keep my trap shut about people’s negative qualities”. Sorry Bobby, you’re going to have to continue to wonder. Keep the faith brother. Left swipe.

Brian

I bet he liked the ‘Where’s Waldo’ books when he was a kid. Why? Because his photo is of himself with five other guys.  Dude, if I had time to guess who the hell you are, I would be out there on real dates with real men, not douching-out on some voyeuristic, shallow APP.  Clean up your act Brian. Swipe left.

Carlo

Carlo, at 43 years old is clearly an athlete. His opener is a photo of what looks like a man, on a jetski. Nice silhouette, but I can’t see you Carlo.  This is the only photo. Alas, you are too much a mystery man for me tiger. Left swipe.

David

Oh David, how could we not love you? All of you. David is sticking his tongue out, and giving us the devil’s horn hand gesture. He’s no half-asser my friends. Nope, because he’s giving it to us with not one, but both hands.  Followed by a photo with a lizard and a very intense eyeball shot. Despite your baby blues, I’m gonna have to go left on this one. You’re too much of a man for me David. Bon soir.

Duke

Duke’s mugshot. Duke a thousand and twelve years ago with long hair. Duke in a cowboy hat. Duke’s foot (WTF?). Too Salvador Dali for me. Left swipe. Good luck partner.

Bradley

Distinguished, black tie photo. Salt and pepper hair. I’m thinking right swipe automatically. We did not need to see the picture of the drunken monkey or the puppy, but you’re cute and age appropriate. Right swipe for you my darling.

Nathan

Nathan has flowing golden locks, pierced eyebrows and plays the drums. Plays the drums. Plays the drums some more. He also feeds small kangaroos at the local petting zoo. Not everyone’s flavor of the month, but I’m sure there’s someone out there for him. Likely the nicest guy in the world and an acquired taste. I have enough acquired tastes however. So, it’s a left swipe for me. Rock on Nathan, rock on.

 

As I wrote this, I have to say I’m a little disappointed that no middle-eastern guys popped up with their dark facial hair and speedos, ’cause let’s face it, we all need a laugh ladies, and a reason to reflect on how damn lucky we are that we don’t have to deal with that mess.

Tinder has not been the clear dating pool that it’s made out to be, however I have been asked to meet someone at a Comfort Inn for the evening. Um, the Comfort Inn? Sweetie, you are very, very, very sad. The great thing with Tinder is you don’t have to give a polite, “No thank you”, while thinking, ‘Seriously bozo, a Comfort Inn’? You can just press block, and they disappear.

So, for Rick who just popped up as a match (whom, I will likely never communicate with or go out with because other than hook-up attempts, no-one really communicates), go ahead text me something interesting, show me your communication chops. You like Willie Nelson and coffee after all, how bad could it be?

Tinder, the shallowest of the shallow ways to meet someone. More realistically, a great way for writers to find a spring-board into character creation. It’s like having a wall of greeting cards at your finger tips to peruse, giggle at, and cause  you reflect on the general state of society.

Thank you for indulging me my dear readers. Now it’s time for some serious work….
 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tinder- I’m on Fire

firemanThis post is dedicated to my partner-in-blogging, Ralph, of BlueFishWay.

Yes, he’s older, he’s as crazy as me, and he’s absolutely fabulous darlings.

Life, is a carnival, and Ralph is going to enjoy the rides!

A while ago he posted a blog, exposing his human heart to the brutal world of love and romance, putting his ego on the line, and asking for our assistance to promote his single and oh-so-eligible-status. Go ahead, click the link above, and pass it on.

Well, his ballsy and honest self-promotion got me to thinking, and of course talking.

My wonderful gal-pal encouraged me to sign up for Tinder, an APP, that finds other Tinder users within a set proximity.

You swipe left if  you’re not interested, and right if you are. There’s not  the unending paragraphs of nauseating pooh that everyone posts; I love red wine. I’m into photography, travel and cooking. Can you keep up? Give me a break!

Some say it’s shallow, but no more shallow than that common drivel. Ick.

I declined my friend’s attempt to get me back out there on the dating scene, until this weekend after a night out on the town.  A fellow behind me at the pub was using Tinder, and I asked him how it worked. He was a cutie girls (too young for me, but had a lovely demeanor and knock-out smile), and he took the time to show me how the APP worked.

So, the next day, while having my Sunday hangover, I downloaded the APP.

Best of all, as I pulled into the office yesterday, I realized…wait for it…

I work next to a Fire Station…..

Shiver-me-Tinder, there is a God. Somebody call 911, I’m on fire!

 

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Blog Dating

" You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know." ~Unkown~
” You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.”
~Unkown~

Blind dating, on-line dating, serial dating, I’ve done it all.

I’ve dated until I’m out-dated, fed-up, and quite seriously amused by the absurdity of it all.

Having grown tired of primping the girls and spending cash on twenty-dollar martinis, I had left the speed and direction of Cupid’s arrow up to the fates.

I’d been feeling kinda sorry for myself lately because my dating life had been derelict except for the occasional younger man, and acquiescence to boredom with no good intention other than not getting into my flannel nightie until after 10pm.

Having given up on-line dating a few years ago after having dated someone for almost three years who turned out to be trolling on-line dating sites prior to our break-up, I decided that the caliber of man to be met ‘on-line’ was not really the quality of lover I wished.

I’d decided to stick to real, in-the-flesh-men-brave-enough-to-have-a-face-to-face-conversation over the ones you meet on-line from gawd-only-knows-where, wanting gawd-only-knows-what.

As luck would have it, it’s the young ones who are ballsy enough and not-yet-jaded-beyond-hope who have done the asking. That’s a wonderful turn of the sheets darlings, but nothing that can satisfy a woman of a certain age for more than a couple of hours at a time.

This weekend I had my attitude adjusted just a little bit. A fellow blogger posted the sweetest, most sincere blog about his desire to find companionship and love. He inspired me to rethink going after what I want. Hell, I do it professionally, why not on the beautiful, river of love?

Ralph, author, master and keeper of  BlueFishWay,  posted his heart’s desire to find true love. Please click-through the link, because who knows, you could be the next Mrs. Ralph, or know someone who is interested.

Now, Ralph, the master of BlueFishWay, was not shy about letting the world know that he wants a companion, someone to share his life and joy.

This past weekend, I went to visit friends, and they had kindly invited a possible mate to their home as well. The Possible Mate was unfortunately tied up with family commitments in Quebec, but nonetheless, they had thought of me. Much appreciated. Please try again.

Seriously – keep trying!

So, for all of my friends out there, or readers who have single pals, do your duty to introduce us to eligible partners.

Caveat; you may be held responsible for either party being disappointed. More Significant Caveat;  you will be held responsible for dealing with our dead bodies and dozens of cats if you fail at this social duty.

I’m available for coffee, dinner engagements and social outings.

Darling, have your people call my people, and let’s make this happen.

 

 

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Love is Another Country

“To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.” ~Anna Louise Strong~
“To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.”
~Anna Louise Strong~

Ever one to be in line with the mindless consumer push, I decided to write a post about love. After all, it was just on December 24th that I spotted the first signs of Valentine’s Day tidbits taking over the jingle-bell-and-kiss-me-under-the mistletoe section of a local shop.

Don’t be disheartened my wee little sprites. This isn’t a syrupy sweet Hallmarkish promotion of red fish-net stockings and silicone lubricant. Not that I’m into that kind of stuff anyway…..ah hem

It’s about a topic I believe is close to the sentimental chamber of our very human spirits. It’s about letting yourself give and receive love without letting the pressures of  what-we-should-be-doing ruin it all.

As is tradition in my home, I fall easily into my nightgown in front of a slew of chick flicks when I have the place to myself. Usually I have a cup of tea or a spicy hot chocolate. Wine, I have learned only leads to more tears and possibly drunk dialing.

One of my favourite shows is New In Town. Far from a blockbuster, but so wonderful, and at the same time anti-feminist too. It just tears the hard-ass-independent-woman in me to bits to admit that I love it.

Perhaps it’s because I see myself falling for the ever-able-to-save-the-day-rough-around-the-edges Ted Mitchell. You know, the classic strong and silent type. It doesn’t hurt that Harry Connick Jr plays the character of Ted. Meow!

During a classic mother-daughter talk, my mumster and I waxed nostalgic about the bad boys we loved and (thankfully, in retrospect) lost.

As hard as it is to admit, sometimes it takes a few bad boys, heartbreaks and major losses to help us realize that it’s the gentlemen, the nice guys, the ones who open the door for you when your hands are full, who always seem to have put thought into a conversation, date, or drink at the end of the day, who are the ones who have always really had our hearts despite our steamy trysts with the tall, dark and handsome ones.

These are the guys and gals who really make our hearts pitter-patter. For a long, long time. These are the fellas worth the red fish net stockings and chilled bottles of bubbly, or perhaps the gals worthy of some well planned manscaping.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, whether you’re the educated one, or the blue collar one, whether you’re too old for him and he’s too young for you, or he/she doesn’t come with the vamp/hunk stamp of approval of your pals, they’re too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, have a funny  accent, maybe, just maybe, none of that stuff matters.

In our culture, love, indeed is another country.

Any kind of deep love, whether platonic or romantic is a deep reach down into our day-to-day, nine to five bag of consumer culture. We constantly measure the losses and gains, benefits and drawbacks, pros and cons of ‘what if’.

We’ve all had our hearts broken and taken risks. We all love the solitude of our own home. We also all yearn for that special someone who is there when we get home to help us celebrate, or hold us when we need some encouragement.

In order to know great love,  you must take a grand leap of faith to find out whether you’re being led down a path with no breadcrumb trail, into a dark, tangled, wilderness, or to a brilliant  life you only dared dream of.

Love is only between two people, not his sister, the hairdresser, your brother-in-law, the dental hygienist, your granny or Dr. Phil.

Love is a state of its own, declared the moment you enter into relationship. You are the sovereigns, the populace and the lawmakers. Love is indeed another country.

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Catching a Hottie Under the Mistletoe

norma shearer mistletoe
norma shearer mistletoe (Photo credit: carbonated)

Last night, while out and about flitting around like the great-white-northern social butterfly that I am, I had cause to think about solutions for single men this season.

My wonderful friends who find themselves single this year are mostly in their 40’s, happily and sometimes ‘meh‘ily employed, and wishing to spend their quality time with a wonderful woman.

“It’s hard to meet women”, I hear, “It’s too much effort,”, they say.

Hmph. That’s what women say too.

So I guess this post is for men and women who, like a casual outdoorsman, has taken their fishing pole out to the local river on a lazy weekend,  think that if they snag something worth keeping, they’ll make the effort to land it and take it home for dinner.

I hate to break it to you folks, you still have to make an effort to leave the house and bait your pole ready. Ah-hem….

My mumster always says to get yourself together and put on your best face, because you never know who’ll you’ll meet out for your coffee and paper, or a wander through the shops.

For single folks who may be looking for  someone of the opposite sex to snuggle up with during the holidays and beyond, I suggest following my mumster’s advice.

I also suggest a little dash of fabulousness sprinkled on a big plate of coming our of your shell. Here’s the list…

1) Invited out for the evening? Simply say, ‘Yes.’

2)Getting ready for an afternoon, evening, or even breakfast get-together? Stoke your holiday spirit, and allow yourself to get excited about it. Yah, that’s right, pull your single-sorry-socks up and be brave enough to lose your cool. There is nothing more of a turn off than someone who mistakes being aloof for being mysterious. We’re all too old to bother peeling away that many layers sweetie. Give it a rest.

3) Do whatever you need to do to boost your confidence. For ladies it can be as simple as a new shade of lipstick, or knowing a quick joke or two. For the gentlemen out there, spritz on some new cologne, or stuff a sock in your pants if necessary.

4) Practice gratitude. No one wants to hear about your problems. We all have them. Be joyful, be curious, be open to meeting someone new and having some fun. Dance, sing, tell a story – something, anything.

5) Don’t let chivalry die. For  strong, independent women, that means allowing a man to get the door for you, even if you have to stop walking. For guys, that means kicking it up a notch and remembering that romance is as classic as diamonds and making out on a shag rug by the fire. Well….maybe not in the same league as shag, but you get the picture.

6) Try to abolish expectation. Too young? Too old? Too….not what you thought you’d fall for? Nonsense…give it a chance.

7) Accept the awkwardness, and don’t let one maroon-move give you an excuse to stop trying.

8) Expect others to be only as perfect as you are. In other words, reassess your standards, and give the other person a break.

9) Accept the help of friends. Accept their invitations to dinners with the friend they think might be of interest, accept their invitation to take over your on-line dating fiasco, accept their critique of your too-high-expectations.

10) Set goals and make a plan. In a rut staying in every night? Make it a priority to get out to one of your favourite neighbourhood haunts at least three times a week.  Emote genuine interest in others, and an openness to meet someone new.

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Ten Traits Your Autumn Man Should Have

Autumn Stroll
Autumn Stroll (Photo credit: MTSOfan)

It is a proven fact that men and women start to settle down into warm, cozy relationships as the weather cools off. Known as cuffing season to the more cynical, autumn is also the time for settling down and getting your snuggle on with your true love.

Often, my darling gal-pals and I discuss the wonders and horrors of our manscapades. The things we love, and love-not-so-much about our deliciously delightful menfolk.

For all of you ladies out there deciding upon which man to snug in with this winter, which man you will share romantic cocktail hours with fireside, which man next to whom you will wake up, snuggle closer too, and smile because you feel like the luckiest woman in the world, I have prepared a list of qualities you should value more highly than looks or a charming smile.

1) You know he’s crazy about you. That means that he KNOWS how to make you feel comfortable and confident. There is no flibberty-jibber stuttering about how inept he is at communicating. Bad communicators are simply; A waste. Of. Time. Move along.

2) He is thoughtful and considerate of your time. In other words, he’s not chronically late. Furthermore, he is a decisive ‘date maker’ without you having to do all of the work.

3) If he has ever had an obligatory occasion to give a wonderful gal like you a gift, it was a thoughtful gift. In other words, it’s not something he knows you don’t prefer, and just bought it because it was an on-line sale and easier than going out to do the work of thoughtful gifting.

4) His  physical amorous efforts  make your nether regions become an edge-of-your-seat-fully-entertained-standing-ovation audience which is left both exhausted and eager for more. Now, keep in mind, the other nine tips listed here must also be applicable as well, because let’s face it ladies, we all like to entertain men who momentarily make us strap on our bed-spurs and shout, “Giddy-Up!”, but they’re not the kind we need to keep for very long.

5) He takes care of you.  Gives you his jacket. Brings breakfast in bed. Pours your cocktail for happy hour when you arrive home from work. Does the driving.  Covers you up when you fall asleep reading…..you get the picture.

6) He makes you laugh. Belly laugh. Until you snort and pee your pants.

7) He is baggage free. No partial fresh separations, no incomplete divorces. In other words, no whiny immature excuses about his inability to have adult relationships with healthy boundaries. Trust me, B.O.B is better.

8) He thinks your quirks are cute. I once had a beau, a best friend and lover who thought my Irish temper was adorable. God rest his soul my sweet little plums.

9) No matter what, he’s there for you, and no matter what he wants you there for him.

10) Way deep down in your soul, you know, you just know, that if you could be anywhere in the world, it would be wrapped up in his arms.

Wishing you all the best in love and luck as summer wraps up her rodeo and leaves town. Stay fabulous my darlings, and don’t settle for a man who makes you feel anything less.