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The Reveal: Who What Where When & Why

gladimetyouIt doesn’t matter whether you’re trying to impress a new colleague or lover. What you choose to reveal about yourself is carefully meted out and how you do it is often just as important.

In the age of social media, choosing how and what you reveal about yourself is tricky business. It’s a classic example of the uncomfortable overlap of persona; professional, personal and intimate.

Sometimes it feels akin to  panties twisted under your well-fitted jeans when you stand up to leave the table; you know it doesn’t look right, but there’s just not a damn thing you can do about it now.

I must admit that revealing myself in the professional arena is something that I find relatively easy. At a certain age your need to be respected by your peers over-rides your need for camaraderie outside the office. In other words; you’ve got all the friends you need, so why muddy the professional water?

Friends, well, friendship at a certain age become easy and more frightening all at the same time. Spending time with a new group of people doesn’t feel much different from when you were the new kid on the playground. You tend to revert; class clown, shy kid, or leader.

Lovers and intimate relationships on the other hand require more savvy, and are likely the most manipulated of all.

Good lovers are hard to find, and if you have the opportunity to reacquaint yourself with one, two, or even a handful (don’t judge me) from your past, it’s a sticky web to navigate without getting your signals crossed. That is, if you can figure out what signal it is you’re hoping to be received on the other end in the first place. This may take some time and hard self-analysis.

Years pass with all of the sunshine and storms life dishes out. Sometimes what once were smooth waters now require careful consideration as the landscape has changed and hard edges hide just beneath the surface. It takes a bloodied up scrape or two before you learn you don’t know what you thought you did, and that the person you once knew so well has changed. It’s odd how shocking the obvious can be.

Then there are other relationships. The keepers, the head-over-heels-make-me-feel-like-a-teenager-again fresh, new and yet uncharted.  That’s where we all lose our minds a little bit. In these cases, you should always, without fail or hesitation be yourself, be vulnerable, and allow yourself to be loved. Trust me, I know from experience, it’s easy to say and hard to do.

Vulnerability. Hmm…it’s something I struggle with, and in the past had great disdain for. But more and more now, I’m recognizing it for the treasure that it is. To be vulnerable with another human being is to open yourself up to the possibility of deep and lasting fulfillment.

It may or may not have been a personal experience that I had the good fortune of re-connecting (and I do mean reconnecting) with someone I’ve known for a long time but haven’t connected with for a couple of years. Our last little tryst wasn’t what either of us would refer to as a success.

This time, as we toasted our grand wisdom of planning some private time together with champagne, I noticed that his hand shook just the tiniest bit, betraying a confident exterior. A very sexy, confident exterior.

In the past I would have been turned off. There are very few things I can sexualize more than a confident man. But I guess I’ve changed too, because this time, I thought it was sweet and vulnerable, and facing your fears  a-la-mode in the boudoir, takes guts.

Just remember, whatever type of relationship you’re navigating, we all just want to be accepted. It’s not only you in the relationship, it’s the other, and they’re as terrified as you about earning their sea-legs on this ship of love. Take your time revealing yourselves to one another so you can enjoy the many faceted beauty of being beloved and lover.

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Sunday Night Music

It’s that time again. Turn down the lights, snuggle with your sweetie, or, put your head back and dream of the day when you can.

 

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You Think You Have Time

thinkyouhaveI’ve had a lot of pretty deep conversations this week. In my line of work, that’s not so odd, but in my personal life, I try to keep things gloriously simple and straightforward.

After all, time ticks by quickly, and no matter how wealthy you are, you can’t buy more of it.

My own summer has seen three young lives suddenly lost. My professional life partners me face-to-face with loss and life choices every single moment. We all, do, think that we have time. But we really don’t darlings. Life is a dazzlingly slick dance of smoke and mirrors that we barely have the ability to comprehend.

If you want to be happy, be happy. Love is rare and beautiful in this short and precious lifetime. Leaps of faith are required to make the most of your precious and delicate debut on the planet.

A delightfully delicious specimen whom I think is relatively gaga over yours truly said to me, ” I think you like being single.”

make someone love you

After having lived my words, and taken many great leaps of faith when it comes to matters of the heart, I have been let down each time.

So, my response to this wonderful man was that of course I like being single. I like my own company, and over the years myself and I have gotten to know one another pretty well.

We’re both hilarious, brilliant, and we share the same taste in men and wine. Why on earth would I give up spending time with myself unless my male counterpart weren’t as equally loving and kind?

So, that’s the crux of the matter folks. Although I won’t be making the cover of Vogue any time soon, and I’m pretty sure that regardless of however fabulously engaging this blog is, I won’t be winning the Nobel Prize for literature this go’round, I’m worth at the very least, a kind, loving partner.  We all are.

 

There you have it. Life in the nutshell of a few sentences. Everyone wants someone, but that someone must make life happy and good. You may even have that person in your life, but failed to wake up to that realization or be courageous enough to do anything about it.

Isola FarneseSo, as I make my debut into the foyer of the grand ball of middle age, I realize that however imperfect the circumstance may be, I will continue to take chances when it comes to matters of the heart.

I hope, that in the middle of that leap of faith off of the trapeze of love, I will catch the hand of my partner, and make a spectacularly sublime landing.

Time is short and precious my darlings, and I have every intention of taking a firm hold of what makes me happy and I shall passionately follow.

 

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Top Ten Ways to Capture the Love of Your Life

right to remain silentYou’ll have to take all of this with a grain of salt my darlings. After all, I’m still single, and find expressing my feelings to men I’m attracted to as easy as scaling a wall of Jello.

Although  my practice may be off, I’ve got the theory part all right. You know what they say, “Those who can’t do, teach”.

First of all, you should know what inspired this hasty post; men who suffer from lack of romance-ethic. Defining ethical here in a loose way; above all else, do no harm.

Recently I’ve been courted by two men of different generations, both, unfortunately falling into that category of ‘man-dumb’ that makes women sputter, throw their hands up in the air, and debate choosing to play for the other team.

But men are too delicious, and wonderful, and warm to snuggle up with on those crisp autumn nights. So, I dedicate this post to you, my masculine lovelies.

If you are hoping to not only garner the attention of a lady-love, but make her your own, I suggest studying the following list, tweaking the suggestions to suit your lovers personality, and then going for it with all of your manly-might;

1) If you have no intention of being her knight-in-shining-armor, make that clear. If it’s just a shag, let her know. Believe it or not, we can handle that as well, and maybe even  better than you.

2) Compliment her. Her beauty, her intelligence, her cooking, her sense of humour, her accuracy with a weapon; whatever it is that makes you go ga-ga.

3) If you are already entwined with another woman, do not make great confessions of love or express you heart’s desire to another woman. Get out of the first relationship so you are free to boldly go where you wish.

4) Overdone flowers, jewelry and romance are not, in fact, overdone. Just do it. There’s a reason they are cliché, it’s because it works.

5) Grooming. Do it. Not hairless like a show-dog, but manicured and manscaped is appreciated.

6) Keep it simple at the beginning. Nobody expects diamonds on the first date, but we do expect dates. Go for a walk, see a movie, make and plan time for her. If you’re just coming over, flopping down on the couch or even in bed, and leaving, then she isn’t taking you seriously.

7) The phone; use it. Texting is ok, email is not. We like to hear the deep baritone of a man’s voice, if only for a few moments. Think of conversation as flirtation, and the preface to foreplay.

8) Laugh. Relax, she’s as bumbling as you are. No one ever, ever, ever should feel confident when it comes to love. It should be fun and exciting, and yes, even funny. After all, what are we here for if not to make one another smile?

9) Hold hands. Yep, it’s that simple. It makes us feel girly and romantic and cherished. Sometimes holding hands is as intimate as anything else lovers do together.

10) Don’t be afraid to let go of all of the things that you carry with you from past relationships. Men and women alike all deserve a fresh start with someone who thinks the world of them. Women are with you because they want to be with you. Just you.

My hope is that this list will help bolster your courage and give you a goose in the rear to get going after that wonderful woman who is always in your thoughts.

A friend of mine gave me a great piece of advice one day just before I went for a job interview, “Remember, they want to hire you.” I believe this remains true of love as well, “We want to love you.”

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Why We Can’t Get No Satisfaction

"...Fair youth beneath the trees, thou canst not leave Thy song, nor ever can those tress be bare; Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss, Though winning near the goal - yet , do not grieve; She cannot fade, though thou has not thy bliss, For ever wilt though love, and she be fair!" ~ John Keats~
“…Fair youth beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those tress be bare; Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss, Though winning near the goal – yet , do not grieve; She cannot fade, though thou has not thy bliss, For ever wilt though love, and she be fair!”
~ John Keats~

Some people think that it’s the tension of being left wanting  that makes the artist, the writer, the musician.

Sometimes the beauty of the human spirit expressed through art shines the brightest in the darkest of situations, where want and need constantly lurk behind the corners of our comfort.

Contentment and satisfaction are often short-lived, a tension always pulling at our attention, our ability to focus, and our ability to be at ease with less.

So it is with art, the same as with our lovers.  “Are you tired?”. My head was tilted back, my vulnerable neck left exposed, and my eyes were closed. I felt nothing of hunger, or cold or wanting. “I’m content. Sated.”

I like that,” he said, reclining back on his elbow.

Sated. That’s an evocative word isn’t it?  It’s so much better than happy, ok, or even relaxed.  Sated, it whispers hints of sloth after completely satisfying the deep hunger of lustful  greed and gluttony.

Being satiated rarely leads to ground breaking creativity. It usually just leads to deep, restful sleep.

So why is it, that with our partners we always want more? What’s wrong with a partner who completes you intellectually, another spiritually, and another sexually? Why can’t we just let go of the faults, the tension, the wanting the impossible of knowing someone completely when we never really ever know ourselves? Why do we always want more?

The beauty of all of these relationships; the spiritual, the intellectual and the physical is that they stand incomplete against the measuring stick of perfection. I believe that the beauty in relationships is much like art; the sublime shines brightest against the darkness of lack.

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Booty-Call of the Human Spirit

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realizationof what you already have." ~Unkown~
“Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of what you already have.”
~Unkown~

This past Friday, I was prepared, as much as one can be after a 60 hour work week, for a deliciously naughty date.

Decidedly, at this age, the term booty call, (A late night summons to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis), is gauche.

We still have booties as it were, but they are older, more tired booties, and should not be spoken of without the greatest respect.

Regardless of the linguistic box into which you try to neatly categorize whatever you want to call it, I was so looking forward to whatever was going to happen Friday night.

What happened was not what I expected. No, he did not arrive naked with leather ties and stainless steel attached to his tender bits. Nor did he appear tuxedo clad with a bouquet of my favourite daffodils.

He arrived beautifully simple (and late) at my door, and gave me a warm, genuine, hug. You know, the kind you give someone whom you’ve known for years. And we have known each other for years.

I had managed to slip out of my suit and into the bathtub before he arrived (late), having had to circle ’round the city to retrace his steps due to a forgotten briefcase.

I mention the word ‘late’ here, because in the past I would have been seething mad at someone having had the nerve to be late for, well, whatever it is you want to call this.

But with age comes a lot of things other than tired skin and squishy mid-bits. Patience, wisdom, even kindness.

The usual anxious anticipation was gone, and I settled into a deep joy knowing I could spend some time with my not-a-booty-call-guy (even though I have always thought he was totally gorgeous and amazing).

Because of the time mix up, I was not worried about my make-up, my hair, or what to wear.

In the past booty-calls have been scheduled to coincide nicely with a hot bath and my third glass of bubbly in the tubbly. I simply pull the plug, towel off, and answer the door naked. After all, I’m nothing if not practical. Why bother ruining an outfit for someone you wouldn’t tolerate over a three course dinner and a show?

I had settled in with a white wine spritzer, light on the wine (I was on day 20 in a row at work). He settled in with a diet soda, and we stretched out on the couch and got lost in a conversation that was full, rich, and, considering the relationship we’ve had in the past (when we were both in our late 20’s, and full of ego, insecurity and fear), a significant depth.

We met at time when nothing was important and everything was crisis;

 

Before we knew it, our little visit had taken us to a place on the clock that demanded he make the drive home, and I tuck in for another early morning at the office.

I stole a quick kiss, and a hug, and that was it.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that after a good round of hide-and-go-seek-in-the-sheets, I glow. I smile non-stop, and I generally exude a radiant, freshly frisked aura.

Saturday morning was not really that different. I woke, felt the warm fuzzies inside from having had such a nice evening with someone I’ve known a long time. Someone whom has always held his emotions close to the vest, but felt comfortable enough to share some of those same emotions with me.

Aged emotion steeped in spirituality is a wonderful thing, even better than cellared wine. Time can be a bold thief, and I’m learning that it can also be a benevolent giver.

So, for a booty-call that wasn’t, it was pretty damn good. Love has many faces, and they can be seen from different doorways. Friday night I saw a new face on an old lover, and I liked what I saw. It may be a week, it may be a year, it may be never, when I see him again, but as always, with this man, he will have a special place in my heart.

Ode To a Watch in the Night

by Pablo Neruda

In the night, in your hand

my watch glowed

like a firefly.

I heard

its ticking:

like a dry whisper

it arose

from your invisible hand.

Then your hand

returned to my dark breast

to gather my sleep and its pulse….

 

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New Man for the New Year

So you want this to be the year that you do it?Francesco de' Rossi's painting 'Portrait of a Man'

Yah, do it. Over and over and over in a deliciously hot mess with the man of your dreams.

Then we gotta talk girl.

Cozy up with a glass of whatever makes you think straight, and listen up sweetheart.

This goes for you too guys.

Top Ten Tips to Get You that Delicious Man in the New Year

1) Give up the bad boys. That’s right, they’re the human equivalent of a warm croissant with jam. They taste delicious and and are a pleasure to nibble, but leave us hungry an hour later.

2) Open your eyes. Yes, open them and be prepared to be gobsmacked. There are wonderful, intellectual, caring men available to you right where you are. Quit rolling your eyes. You likely have a couple of them lolling around in your brain as possibilities even before you finish reading this paragraph.

3) Quit being a snob. Just because you have more letters after your name than he does doesn’t mean he can’t give you a few lessons in life.

4) Say yes. Just say yes…to coffee, a movie, dinner. That’s the best advice anyone ever gave me; when someone makes a suggestion be curious enough to search it out (at least a little bit).

5) Go out. Alone. Men do not infiltrate a gaggle of gals unless they’re stark-raving mad, or wagering a bet. By alone, I don’t mean in dark alley-ways or for your run in the part after dark. Use your head.

6) Be nice. Being nice is pretty simple, but something we overlook all the time. Don’t treat them any other way than you wish to be treated. He wasn’t your cup of tea?Politely tell him that. Worst case, you get a restraining order.

7) Appreciate that he’s also looking. That means that someone just as good looking, well-educated and witty (she also has the same fabulous stilhettos and lipgloss) is out there just waiting for him if you give him the cold shoulder.

8) Rip up your check list. Seriously. None of us are a perfect set of scores 100% of the time.

9)Don’t settle. You know, for the bad boy routine. If he doesn’t call and he’s not around, move on. Immediately.

10) Love yourself first. Whatever it is that rejuvenates you, do that. Every day. That’s what makes you irresistible.