It’s good for us. Just as good as a healthy diet, or eight hours of sleep. Nice makes our bodies happy and our spirits calm.
Lately there has been a lot of nice in my life. My ‘crazy’ family and friends have been generous in their support of my son’s flight from the nest. He as been encouraged, supported, and cheered on. As a mother, there is nothing better than knowing your child is thriving and that they have a solid support network or friends, mentors, coaches and family. Thank you for being nice.
I’m taking a little longer to adjust to the transition. I tear up daily, and am struggling with the transition of being totally dedicated to my kiddo to being totally dedicated, but from a distance. My friends have been kind and gentle and supportive. Thank you for being nice.
I have flooded my social media feed with proud mom moments and not once has anyone told me how annoying it is. Thank you for being nice.
This is a challenging transition year for me, once again wondering where I will live, work and mom from in a year. In advance to my friends and family; thank you for being nice.
Today I thought that my only lifeline would be a bag of marshmallow bananas and nap.
I was wrong. As usual.
Our authentic selves have a funny way of being teased out from the darkness during difficult moments, uncanny timing, and serendipitous encounters.
Each day I try to put my best foot forward, wear a true smile, and treat other people the way that I wish to be treated; with respect, an open heart, and eagerness to make each encounter a kind one. At the very least, I try my best not to be a worry-mongering busy-body (read; miserable twatcycle).
Today was not a great example of that. Today was one of the rare days that I felt tired, worn-out, and frankly my sweet little plums, just a tad concerned about how I was doing. I. As in me. As in, this calls for a totally emotionally, nutritionally unsound trip through the drive-through for my no-fail-depression-and-sadness-indulging lunch of synthetic food and a jumbo sized-diet-going-to-chew-through-your guts cola.
Yah, it was one of those days.
As I raised my card to tap-through my payment for food that was sure to make my insides feel even more crappola, the lady at the window paused and said, ” You have children don’t you?”
Her comment caught me by surprise, and I simply answered, “Yes”. Honesty, you see, is my default. Yes, yes, I know that’s naïve, but it works for me, despite popular practice to the contrary.
“They are so lucky to have a beautiful mother like you.”
What a kind thing to say. What a shining bright spot in my otherwise bleak day. What a way to be reminded that there are other people out there in the world who take time for kindness.
It was enough of a boost to make me pause. Evaluate. Pull myself up by the black-patent-pump straps of life and formulate a plan.
As I munched away on my I’m-having-a-feeling-sorry-for-myself lunch, I made a couple of personal calls, and then carried on with what turned out to be a rather unsuccessful day.
By the end of the day, my greasy, fatty, nutritionally decrepit lunch had settled in my tummy like a physical manifestation of the way I had been feeling. The comment about how lucky my children were had slid off my over-tired, damp-from-the-humidity face, and clung somewhere to the bottom of my trouser leg like a tattle-telling piece of toilet tissue.
My last stop of the day was a must-stop, and I was sure my facial expression could be saying nothing less than, “Please show me to your quiet room where I can take a nap and suck my manicured thumb”.
Instead of being rushed out, I was shown gracious hospitality, and was charmed by a gentleman who, during the ten minutes it took to meet, exchange pleasantries and do the business of the day, managed to have delivered a beautiful flower to my vehicle to thank me for being so kind.
It was all I could do not to fall apart when these two strangers took time to smile from their heart, communicate from their soul, and spend the extra few seconds to make a difference in my life.
Often it’s the kindness of strangers that keeps us buoyed up during turbulent times. Many people have good intentions, but very few ever are moved to act in kindness. The best intentions are meaningless without action.
Never underestimate the power of your smile, the value of taking a few extra moments to care, and the treasure you are given by way of these simple things during your moments of darkness.
Tonight I’m sad, and I can only go to bed hoping that tomorrow might be a little brighter,that the seeds I planted in the days and weeks and months before, will come to fruition and bless my life with beauty. For now, all I can do is hope.
Tomorrow I will wake up and meet the world as that kind ‘stranger’, because that’s just how I roll.
It’s a madhouse darlings, so make the best of it and travel with people who love you for who you are.
It’s a pretty difficult, if not nearly impossible thing to actually do.
When you must work instead of daydream to pay the bills, creativity can be awfully hard to coax out from inside your cluttered, cog-work-brain.
Just this week, some poor, unsuspecting, arrogant fellow managed to make me angry. Not annoyed at-you-angry, no, none of that. I mean, the kind of angry that finds my soul flipping his soul the mother-of-all birds.
It made me realize that I had allowed this spiritual niblet to make me angry, and, darlings, we can’t be having that. We are ladies of spirit and dignity. We stand for what is good and right and we must be reckoned with.
When we find ourselves bowing down to some imaginary regime, we must always take a clear stand of independence, and trust me darlings, that’s exactly what I did.
The key is to recognize that it is imaginary. We have made it so in our minds. Which means we can un-make it.
The trick is to actually recognize that you’ve been had. You need to be aware of the fact that you have a choice when your temper flares, or tears fall, or your heart goes pitter-patter.
Upon becoming aware, you need to step away and find some peace. You throw open the doors of your silly old brain and call out for some clarity.
Clarity is the capacity to recognize and distinguish the unlimited variety of thoughts, feelings, sensations, and appearances that continually emerge in the mind. It is also called luminosity. Without clarity, we wouldn’t be able to recognize or identify any aspect of our experience. ~Shambala Sun, Nov. 2014, Adapted from Tsoknyi Rinpoche with Eric Swanson, from Open Heart, Open Mind: A Guide to Inner Transformation~
Sometimes the best way to slough off the dead skin of mundane-musts and come to some semblance of clarity is eek out some solitude and try one of these;
1) Take a highway drive and sing at the top of your lungs to whichever music lifts your mood.
2) Long, hot baths. Candles, music, and your beverage of choice.
3) A full day of nothing. No plans. No going out or coming back in. Just staying put, in your own home, with no distractions.
4) A visit to an art gallery with no agenda; no particular exhibit you must see, no timed exhibitions and a notebook to write the thoughts inspired by someone else’s expression of the human spirit.
5) Writing. Write it out. Write what you think and feel.
6) Reading. Read something you wrote five years ago, yesterday, anything. If you don’t write, read the biography of someone you admire. It’s often reassuring to know that most people who do great things in the world were often told they had it all wrong.
7) Look at the stars. Just bundle up for the weather and look up at the clear, night sky. It will make you realize just how vast the possibilities are.
8) Get yourself to the ocean. There’s nothing better to soothe aching wounds than to get lost in an endless vista of rolling sea.
Quite a few of us do not have the luxury of escape, but we all have the luxury of limitless minds. Seeking stillness and replenishment of our human spirit is what provides depth for our creative wells.
Chances are if you feel lost, empty, meaningless, you have let your well run dry.
Wishing you the cleansing rain of clarity to saturate your creative spirit.
I wrote this a few years ago, but I think it’s worthwhile reposting.
This is my first year goblinless.
My kiddo is officially too old to go out for Hallowe’en, and even more than that, too tall.
At just over 6′ tall, the tallest in the school, he is not welcome on Hallowe’en doorsteps. Other kids the same age will be going out, because they’re small.
So, tonight, when the big kids show up on your doorstep (not the ones who show up at 10pm with beards and a pillowcase), be kind, and remember, they’re just kids on the inside, even if they’re tall on the outside.
When you find someone whose sarcasm is sharp and quick, likely two things are true about them; they’ve had to develop their sarcasm as a weapon against cruelty, and they have been shown very little kindness.
But that’s not your problem. It’s enough of an effort to cultivate deep compassion within yourself. When you do that, it will eventually radiate outward and infect those around you.
Kindness is a rare and beautiful quality these days. I mean real kindness, the kind that just kinda hangs around with someone all day despite their being tired, stressed or lonely. It is not some magical quality. No, darlings. It needs to be cultivated like that six-pack of abs, or your ability to cook.
Now, given that my last post was titled, ‘I Took Etiquette Lessons – Asshole’, I openly admit, that my supply of kindness runs out rather abruptly when I’m encountered with someone who is plainly rude in order to make themselves feel superior to me, or anyone else.
This morning a social media pal posted something about someone pointing out that he had gained weight. His quick retort was funny, but my pal, with what I can only imagine was a voice in his head wondering loudly, how the heck anyone thinks saying something like that is appropriate.
I on the other hand tend to land retorts deep and quick in the guts of my passive aggressive commentators. When a colleague called me ‘pretty good looking for being so stout’, I smiled and replied coyly that he wasn’t so bad for a fat old man himself. I looked in his eyes and smiled for a one-two-three beat, and then turned my back and walked away.
I try to say something positive and kind every day when I enter my workplace, when I’m greeted, or before I tuck my kiddo into bed. That doesn’t mean that I passively accept rudeness, mean-spirited comments, or bow to sarcasm. I kindly return the bitterness to the sender on a lovely silver platter with a smile, as little sarcasm and as much honesty as I can muster.
Kindness is; telling someone you like a certain outfit, rather than telling them that something makes them look fat.
Kindness is; passing a breath mint instead of waving your hand in front of your nose and telling someone their breath stinks.
Kindness is; asking someone who’s put on a few pounds if they’d like to go for a walk instead of pointing out their weight gain.
Kindness is; seeing someone in distress socially, and buoying them up with your smile and gentle defense.
Kindness is; handing back mean words, rude observations and a bad attitude so that the person generating negativity has a chance to reconsider and come up with something more positive for themselves and those around them.
Sometimes, kindness is also just keeping your mouth shut, coming home, putting on your stretchy pants and having a nice, cold, white-wine spritzer while listening to Solomon Burke….well, for some of us anyway.
The Amazing C and I often used to say to one another when asked our opinion, ” Do you want me to be honest, or do you want me to be nice?”
Well, I’ve done a lot of living since those days, and I believe that you can be honest and nice all at once. So now, instead of honesty, I want honesty delivered in a kind way.
We’re all old enough to know when we’ve done something stupid or been duped. We know that we make mistakes when we’re vulnerable and in love.
At the beginning of my study of the dharma with monastics, my partner at the time laughed at me when I became emotional and said something about wanting to be a more kind and gentle person. Having been known as a strong, independent woman, it took courage to want to tear down some psychological barriers and it took courage to confide in him.
His response was not gentle or kind, but sharp sarcasm…and that my darlings, was the beginning of the end. In that moment, I knew he was not the one. I did not need sarcasm, discouragement, or belittling. I needed kindness.
This Sunday morning, I give you this recitation by George Saunders….
About two weeks ago, something felt broken.No, not my ankle or arm, something inside of me.
I felt like someone had added the last straw to an already overwhelmingly heavy pile.
The pithy Tumblr post, ” It’s not the weight of the burden that beats you down, it’s how you carry it”, didn’t really make me feel any better. As a matter of fact, I wanted to hunt down whomever posted it and smartly slap them on the back of their head.
Pul-eaze darling, spare me the platitudes andsend over a tall, dark, handsome man with a bottle of icy champagne in one hand, and a diamond big enough to skate on in the other.
Not one to be easily defeated, on no my delicate flowers, not I, I made a commitment at that moment of realization to treat myself a little bit better. At least as good as I always hope that my nearest and dearest fabulous pals are caring for themselves.
Depriving myself of small, daily joys makes yours truly, frumpy, bumpy and feeling old.
We’re good at that aren’t we? Doling out uplifting, inspirational advice to others about the importance of self-care and self-forgiveness? Quit over-thinking and just nod darlings, just nod.
We are good at spoiling our best gal pals and the wonderful men in our lives. We’re the first to encourage our children to do what they need to do to feel good.
I firmly believe that the challenges in life either make you stronger or destroy you. As you may have guessed, I’m not a woman easily destroyed. Armed with my rapier-like wit, two generous shots of bourbon and having spent the previous night with an insatiable young stud, I can conquer almost anything with a charming smile, and a few carefully selected sentences.
Alas, sometimes darlings, we Duchesses of Doing it all need to let our guard down and let someone love us, or simply take care of ourselves. This week for me, that meant keeping my promise to care for myself, spiritually, physically and emotionally. That meant trying not to feel guilty about a trip to the spa, and keeping my promise to buy something special once I achieved a certain milestone at work. It meant making a real effort to dedicate an hour and a half every day to keeping my body strong and my dreams alive.
Time. That’s the most important gift we can give to ourselves. Time to relax our minds, to dream, to recharge the imagination and spirit that inspires us to venture into each day as positive, loving, compassionate human beings.
Go ahead sweetheart. Take a long, hot soak or enjoy a delicious fall latte to contemplate what inspires you, and then carefully craft time during your day to do those things.
Treat ‘you’ the way that you would treat your true love.
It will rock your world darling. I promise.
I’ve even provided you a little musical inspiration my lovelies…