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Glampers & Foodies

glamping.
glamping. (Photo credit: ellekirshner)

No doubt those who consider themselves ‘glampers’  would proudly  raise their flaccid arms if asked who in the crowd were also foodies.

Glampers and foodies make me want to take a pistol to the back of my head and aim directly at my brainstem.

Glamping? Really? Honestly darling, quit trying so hard because clearly you’re an asshole.

Harsh? Too rough? No, camping is rough darling. That’s what it’s supposed to be. It’s a communing with nature, respecting her delicate boundaries, and not dragging more than you can carry into her great, sacred, naturally dark and wonder-filled interior.

Patio lights and designer melamine dinner ware?  Thank you for ruining the planet sweetie. Thank you for numbly buying every-freaking-fad-advertised and keeping our city planners building daycare centres on top of carcinogen-leaking landfills.

Oh, what’s that my sweet little ball of dumbass?  You’re also a foodie? Well, isn’t that swell.

Pour me a nice glass of bourbon sweetie, yes please, yes. That’s right. Pour it in that plastic tumbler that cost twenty-five dollars. That’s right. Oh yes, ice from the cooler you run off a gas-powered generator. Mmmm, does that ever hit the spot.

Mmm, what’s that? Heirloom tomatoes you say? Delish. You drove all the way to the other side of town to get them at the market? You’re an idiot. Do you even know what an heirloom tomato is without looking it up?

I’m continually astounded that you can prepare a delicious meal, and talk it to death at the table. I find that almost fascinating. Just kidding. No I don’t.

Next time I’m just going to bring an old cow and let you bore it to death in front of the barbecue. By the time you’re finished critiquing something you’ve never experienced, and only watched while scratching your Calvin-Klein-wrapped-package in front of the latest Food Network atrocity,  the poor cow will be wrestling me with it’s hoof for the pistol.

Say, it’s so nice to have this conversation whilst enjoying the sensual pleasures of mother nature. It’s so relaxing with the stars out overhead and the sound of bullfrogs. What’s that you say? It’s a jazz station, and those stars, that’s right, they’re the twinkle lights you bought on sale for $59.99.

Thanks for the totally gobsmacking glamping experience my foodie friend. If you hear a gunshot, please don’t roast my trendy ear and jowl bits. Just let the wolves get me.

 

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The Importance of Being Civilized

Rude Cow!
Rude Cow! (Photo credit: foxypar4)

When I was a teenager, I remember rolling my eyes at my boyfriend’s dad when he said something about getting older and appreciating the little things that make us civilized.

I heard his words echo in my mind as I made my way up from the parking garage, dodging a big loogie someone had thoughtfully  horked up on one of the stairs.

As it turns out, I don’t know that anyone has ever spoken words more true than that proper old man as he bemoaned the irritation of rudeness.

I miss the little things that make the world a nicer place to live. You know, like not leaving wads of snot on public stairs.

Public areas are filled with people abusing our unwritten rules of etiquette. At my local mall, you can barely drive your car through the masses of other driver’s who are convinced that their need to park in no-parking zones supersedes everyone else’s need to get where they’re going  or their safety.

At the movie theatre, there is always someone (and not always a teenager my lovelies, most of the time they’re obnoxious adults) whose need to check their phone is way more important than everyone else’s need to relax without distraction. Every single time I go to the theatre, I have an opportunity to practice patience. From a different perspective, I also have an opportunity to do a gross surgical procedure involving the latest cellular technology and  someone’s rectum. It does all really just depend on your perspective.

And then there’s noise pollution. If I wanted to listen to music at 2am, trust me, I’d turn it on, and quite likely, it wouldn’t be what’s blaring from your house.  If I wanted the windows in my car to rattle from a thumping bass line, I’d make sure it happened all on my own my sweet little plum.

In case you’ve forgotten, or were never taught, the library is still a sacred bastion of silence. That means no cell phone sisters, I don’t care what the fashion crime of the day is, put it away.  Chances are the editors at Vogue will understand you’re unavailable.

In short, to make a summary point,  if I want  to walk in snot, I’ll come up with something all on my own without being exposed to your slippery little gem of infectious-contagious generosity.

Indeed, as I’ve aged, I have come to value the importance of being civilized.

 

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Anticipating Summer – Top Ten List

flip flops
flip flops (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The sun is shining, and the temperatures have finally stretched into the 20’s. Our little corner of the world is waking from the long, cold, winter slumber and reaching out to the hot, humid days of summer.

This is when the world outside comes alive, nymphlike and beckoning us to come and play.

This is the ANDSHELAUGHS Anticipating Summer Top Ten list

 

1) Flip-Flops

2) Wine on the patio

3) Open windows and a fresh breeze at night

4) The smell of the BBQ

5) Dining Al Fresco

6) Running on the trail by the lake

7) The buzz of lights at the baseball diamond

8) The ice-cream truck

9) Prepping the camping gear

10) Planning the garden

What are you looking forward to???

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Beauty Tip of the Week – News that Makes You Go, “Hmm?”

"God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions. Once we begin to ask them, there's no turning back. "~Gloria Steinam~
“God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions. Once we begin to ask them, there’s no turning back. “
~Gloria Steinam~

It’s that time of the week my rosy-cheeked readers.

I hope that you haven’t let me down. You surely couldn’t have let the week pass without reading the news?

More importantly, I hope you questioned the who, what, where, when, why and how of it all.

Beautiful women aren’t beautiful because of the shape of their ever-fabulous silhouettes. 

Truly beautiful women are gorgeous because of their warm spirituality and cunning intellect.

Top Ten News Items that Make Me Wonder This Week;

1) Why nations ruled by secular-politics dont’ have the diplomatic savvy to call a spade a spade when dealing with religion-based non-secular politics. Thoughts on the situation in Egypt; Any nation ruled by a religious group including the name ‘Brotherhood’ should make every intelligent woman’s labia snarl in protest. Brotherhood? How about evolving to a higher spiritual level and advocating human rights?

2) Bookshelves have gone out of vogue with the popularity of e-readers. So has common sense and independent thought. Odd that the two styles have become gauche at the same time. Think about it.

3) A major national newspaper used ‘filler’ for the entire back page of the Arts section. Tisk, tisk, tisk, my poor, lost editor. An article about the obvious (that romance and lust has permeated  literature since cavemen scratched stick figures on rocks) is not exactly cutting edge information. Tell me more about new authors, new artists, new theatres, but don’t bore the hell out of me with this mind-numbing twitter.

4) “Palestinians Paint Canada as Too Extreme” If that’s not a case of the proverbial pot and kettle I dont’ know what is. Canada needs to be ever more ‘extreme’ when it comes to protecting the secular politics that has made it a haven for those fleeing from countries governed by religious-politics. Don’t confuse this comment with my thoughts on Israel and Canada being kinky political bedfellows. That’s a fifty-shades trilogy in itself.

5) Do the brains behind the smiles in the society column have a clue what is really happening in the world? Do they really have any idea what they write cheques in support of, and the consequences of those big-money decisions? The coy smile peeking out from behind heart shapes made by hands (aka in the style of 11-year-old girls demonstrating their love for boy bands), makes me think – no.

6) Does anyone really care about who is in the society column beside the people in it? Not unless you’re looking for fertile fundraising ground.

7) What on earth makes a ‘Diwali Spiced Snickerdoodle’ recipe remotely appropriate for a ‘Christmas Cookie’ column? ( I admit I will try the recipe, and likely love the it). It’s like making German Stolen the first recipe in an Eid baking column.

8) The current situation between the provincial government and the teachers. Let’s talk about personal leadership and equitable compensation.  Anyone who calls themselves a professional does not ‘punch the clock’. They take on leadership as a personal badge (for teachers it includes coaching, teaching and delivering report cards that actually give parents and kids an intelligent, thoughtful assessment). Democratic governments do not take away the right to strike. Both sides of this one need a kick in the pants. Wage freeze – yep – it’s happening to everyone, and should especially happen to the gravy eaters at the top.

9) Canada’s redneck stance on the Kyoto Protocol, which ties nicely into the double-digit temperatures we’re having and the high price of apples. Please email me if you can’t put this together. In other words. Canada needs to get  off the liar-liar bus and see that our global pants are smouldering, if not already on fire.

10) The mass of jewelry adds given the impending Christmas boom. Somebody get me some of that. I like sparkly things.