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Christmas Top Ten

English: Christmas cookies Deutsch: Weihnachts...
English: Christmas cookies Deutsch: Weihnachtskekse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love the holidays.

Yes, even the displays in the stores that begin in October. Just because we live in a world where we are brainwashed into our consumer stupors, doesn’t mean we have to participate.

It’s ok, more than ok, just to enjoy the lights, the energy, and be quietly reflective.

Today I offer you my current Top Ten list of Christmasy things to help get your ‘Christmas On’

 

1) Eggnog, eggnot lattes (which, I must confess, comes a close second (gasp!) to the Starbucks Caramel Brulee Latte), Eggnog and rum, Eggnog shortbread, Eggnog snogs under the mistletoe…

2) Christmas Carols, and radio stations that are ‘All Christmas’ at this time of year. After all, you can always turn it off and on whenever the mood strikes.

3) Snuggling under a blanket and watching the snow fall.

4) A warm, roaring fireplace.

5) Cookies. There is always an abundance at Christmas time, and I can totally enjoy that!!!

6) Donating or volunteering for charities. It’s fun, it makes you feel good, and it helps other people – t’is the season after all!

7) Christmas parties – an excuse to buff and scrub and feel pretty…and dance!

8) Getting Christmas cards in the mail. Better than bills and junk mail by far. This includes the crazy, too-freaking-much-information letters that people send out. I love those.

9) Giving gifts. Whether it’s a cup of coffee or a coveted luxury item, it’s nice to light up someone’s day and let them know that you listen, and you like to make them happy.

10) Time with friends. This my number one favourite thing about Christmas. This is a gift you can’t return, or have stolen from  you. It’s the true meaning of the season, and I look so forward to these special coffee, dinner, party…and ‘whatever’ dates with my friends, family and colleagues.

I hope that this niggles your hum-bug and helps you see some of the simple joys that are available not just during Christmas time, but all year ’round.

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Ladies Friday Night Drinking Song

At home alone tonight? Rinsing off a stressful week in a hot, candle-lit bubble bath? Go ahead, pour yourself something smooth and red. Get lost in the memory of that one fabulous lover who is your best friend….TGIF ladies…

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Ode on a White Wine Spritzer

Ode on a White Wine Spritzer

" I prefer tongue-tied knowledge than ignorant loquacity." ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero~
” I prefer tongue-tied knowledge than ignorant loquacity.”
~ Marcus Tullius Cicero~

Oh succulent mixture!

Thou light-golden elixir of joy,

no questions or needs

simply an offering of intoxicating abundance.

Oh delightful beverage of low alcohol content

you offer me not one but two helpings of meditative nourishment!

By night I bask in the sunset of your succulent afterglow

By day I am lost;

the memory of your sweet taste on my lips,

how you warm my body and soul  from the inside, out.

Le sigh White Wine Spritzer,

Le sigh….

I shall remain forever bewitched;

forever devoted to you and your subtle charms.

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Bourbon, Bubbly and Being a Girl

bourbon caramel
bourbon caramel (Photo credit: rosebengal)

Yes, I really do drink bourbon. On the rocks. As a matter of fact it’s usually a couple of shots on the rocks, with a swift gulp of the top end of the glass before it gets too watered down.

My delicate rationale is that if I’m going to drink something that’s going to be my moral and physical demise, I’d like it to actually feel like it’s killing me the moment it hits the back of my throat. Kinda like drinking bleach, but a little more slowly, and with much more grace.

Good bubbles on the other hand suck the moisture out of your mouth upon first swish, and slink down your throat like a slowly tightening noose. Wine – it’s gotta be red, rustic, and ready for food. Any-which-way, I like my poison a little on the rough side.

You see darlings, any woman can tottle a cocktail, rock at gin and tonic (which has a special place in my pretty pink heart), or nurse a glass of wine. It takes a woman with substance, class and a mind of her own to manage a less polite beverage and get on with the real issues of the day.

On the subject of ladies (or gentlemen) drinking alone, my bible-thumping grand-dad would say drinking anything, especially alone was a mortal sin. This is simply a load of tepid hog-wash darlings. Tepid hog-wash indeed. Sometimes drinking alone is much more called for than drinking in the company of other fabulous women and men.

Simply put, when you need a stiff drink, it’s not likely your choice of refined companion can handle the resulting dialogue and truth-telling.

Don’t wag your finger and tell me about the evils of drink, addictions and the moral disintegration of society by the likes of women like me. Chances are my sweet little apple dumpling, you contributed your fair share to the recession-induced-LCBO-economic-boom. Besides that, I’ve lived with abusive alcoholics, and there is a difference between having a drink now and then and being dependent on it by using it as a crutch to be a jackass. But I digress….

A good-stiff drink can be the mint-sprig in the julep of life my darlings. As such, I provide you with a list of how-to and how-not-to enjoy your adult beverages;

1) If it’s too sweet, you’ll drink too much and become a poster-child for the before side of waterproof mascara adverts. Stick to something you can feel going down, and you’ll set a more reasonable pace to keep you from over-indulging.

2) Only indulge when in the company of other refined ladies and gentlemen who enjoy stimulating conversation, dry-wit, sarcasm, and who keep up with current events. Otherwise, you keep the company of mere drunkards and simpletons.

3) Decide on the flavour of the occasion. For example; a) celebrating an achievement with a group – stick to bubbles. ( I recommend local Hinterland vintages), b) for thoughtful conversation and intelligent subjects go for bourbon or some such delicacy as scotch. c) All meals should be accompanied by wine regardless of your cocktail or aperitif d) Martinis – a wonderful after work celebration for any day of the week

4) Martinis should not be consumed as a dessert in a glass. You will never, ever be Carrie Bradshaw or look like you fell out of an episode of Sex-In-The-City, nor do you want to sweety. Follow the triple D rule for this as in bra sizes; dirty, dry, and double. Accept no substitutions.

5) Only imbibe with those who do not become boorish or nauseated. Keeping the company of rude folks is simply insufferable, and cleaning up vomit is not on the roster of things anyone-wants-to-do-ever.

6) Learn to create and enjoy your preferred beverage at home. Always have the ingredients on hand.

7) Only drink and backseat drive. This is much more fun and you have the advantage of being able to give hand signals out the window without interfering too much with traffic.

8) Always have a man who is willing to come over in the case of over-indulgence-emergencies such as incurable horniness, the overwhelming and insatiable desire to have someone of the opposite sex read poetry to you while soaking in a hot bath and continuing to drink, or if you’re afraid you’re going to sleep through your 4am airport limo pick-up…not that I have ever succumbed to any such nonsense of course.

9) Do not offer to have your companions, ‘try a sip’. What is this a choose-your-own-oral-bacteria guessing game? No ’tis decidedly not. Stick to your own drink and leave the straws at home.

10) If someone asks if they should bring wine the answer is yes. Always yes.

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Baseball Etiquette

Ace the Toronto Blue Jays Mascot
Ace the Toronto Blue Jays Mascot (Photo credit: mutrock)

Spring heralds baseball season, and in the height of spring fever, fans, and wanna-be-fans flock to the ball parks.

Most of them for a one-off guzzle of beer, purchase of team gear, and a slew of selfies in the stands.

For the die-hard fans, the ones who actually go to watch the game, ballpark etiquette is de rigueur. It allows us to enjoy the game in close proximity to tens of thousands of other fans in  a civilized manner.

We do not behave like ‘football’ fans, trampling one another in our exuberance, or getting into brawls. Baseball is a gentleman’s game darlings.

As a female baseball fan, it’s terribly unbecoming to have to pitch a fit. Like today for instance, having to politely tell the gentlemen next to me to, “Sit the fuck down,” I was reminded that perhaps the poor young man was not aware that folks actually show up to watch the game.

As a seasoned baseball fan, I felt it was incumbent upon me to let the young man know that we do come to watch the game, and not how many beverages he  drinks,  or get a rather less-than-awe-inspiring view of his underwear as he scoots back and forth in front of me mid-at-bat.

“Sweetie,” I gently said, ” the beer guy actually comes up here. You don’t need to go get one.” I’m nothing if I’m not helpful.

After getting up and down more times than a sinner at Easter Mass, I felt a list of helpful etiquette hints might help out those poor lost souls who act like ignorant tits at the ball park;

1) If you must get up during the game, do so when mid-inning when the fielders are switching places on the field. Expect a steaming wiener in your ear if you wiggle your way through the bleachers while the home team is either pitching or at bat.

2)If you came to drink, sit down and shut the fuck up. Again, beer guy comes to you. No one needs your inebriated slobber flying in their personal space as you trash talk the other team.

3)Children. The ball park is absolutely the place for kids. If you bring one, engage them in the game so they enjoy it and learn something.  If I have your ketchup-faced kid breathing down my neck and kicking my seat, expect to be given the stink-eye.

4) Streakers. Please, please, please, run faster. There’s nothing like a good streaker to liven up the outfield. I do understand that we’ve become a more punitive society, so I understand if you don’t streak in your birthday suit, but don’t rule it out. We love  streakers.

5) Booing the home team. Really? Don’t boo your own team – stroke their ego, pump them up, treat them like the vulnerable-talented-multi-million-dollar-large-children that they are.

6) The wave. Do it.

7) The national anthem. Also, shut up or sing. Those are your only two options. The time for woo-hooing, cheering, and yee-hawing is just after the first pitch leaves the pitcher’s mound.

8) Large purses. If you bring an over-the-shoulder-anything, or a back pack, please make sure it doesn’t disembowel anyone on your way through the crowd. This unfortunately is for those who are up and down like popcorn.

I hope this helps clarify etiquette at the ball park. Please do all of us baseball fans a favour and pass this along to any would-be-fans.  Let’s keep the ball park wholesome my sweet little dumplings.

If you only remember one thing, please, for the love of all that’s holy, let the beer guy come to you.