That’s a Mighty Fine Driver You Have There Sir: The Un-fore-seen Benefits of Golfing with Your GF

basket-of-golf-ballsToday was a first. The left side of my mid-back is whispering caution to me. It’s rather insistent that tomorrow I may be in some pain. The right side is nodding in agreement.

My sweetie finally took me to the driving range. Brave? Yes. But not brave enough to take me out on a for-real golf course, and who can blame him?

About midway through the ‘jumbo’ bucket of balls, I thought that I had hit him in the back. You see, I made contact with the little white devil, but it took off toward my baby on a trajectory akin to tiles blowing off a space-shuttle. I must have missed his left ear by an inch. For a full two hours, he patiently took me through a range of clubs and tried teaching me the basics, and he didn’t swear once…out loud.

bad golfer

As you all know, I’m incredibly patient. Ok, maybe a teensy-tiny-eensy-weensy-bit patient. Or not. By the time we were chipping,  I held out my hand and let him know I was already an expert and his blathering was unnecessary. My chipping as it turns out, sucks.

My putting is slightly better if I have my arms over my voluptuous breasts, which means the damn club sticks out perpendicular to the ground and I have to bend over like some weirdo with a metal detector on the beach to ‘pendulum’ like my sexy instructor was trying to demonstrate. You see, his breasts are significantly smaller than mine, and penduluming is not such a challenge for him.

I made contact with the ball (most of the time), and if I were aiming 120 degrees to my right, I was dead on target. By the time I finished with the driver, I could really appreciate my man’s talent.

And maybe that’s why I think I’m going to love the game. A woman like me likes a challenge, and some fun. I can’t wait to go again.  Perhaps when my man buys a helmet he’ll take me on another hot driving-range date.

Laugh as you may, it was a great way to spend the afternoon. I’m a strong, confident, capable woman. There are very few things that a man can do that impresses me to the point I’m actually attracted to him because of it.

But today was the day for my man. He was good at it. Like, crazy good. He made it look easy, and I was struggling to even connect.  It made me kinda hot for him, in that grrrrr, you’re a manly-man kind of way.

He doesn’t know it yet, but his patience may just pay off for him two-fold. He may have a willing partner to hit the links with every chance we get, and he may also have a lady who needs to go immediately home for some good lovin’s when we come off the course. All of a sudden, I can appreciate his driver just a little bit more.

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Apathy: The Emotional Equivalent of Wet Firewood

fireplaceLast night we tried desperately to get some good flame action going with  new firewood. What we realized was that the wood had not been cared for in a way that was conducive to the warm glow that we were hoping for.

Lately I’ve had a few conversations with people about their relationships. As always, my sage stance is that any relationship that is neglected will die; like  wet firewood,  an unwatered flower or like a lemon left to wither in the back of the fridge.

Human beings are wired for connection. Yet, in our twisted culture, we are socialized to fear intimacy. Partnership involves emotional risk and vulnerability. After all, if you can’t be vulnerable with your lover, the one person you ought to trust to be naked with body and soul, well, you likely don’t have a very solid connection. Apathy isn’t sexy. Apathy is your old maiden aunt’s dentures and wig-on-the-nightstand-every-night.

Fabulous women like you and I darling are certainly brave enough to be  vulnerable and to ask for the intimacy that we need. We are not needy enough to stay  if our basic needs are neglected and left to, (shall I say?) wilt. Six months ago I went out on a limb and asked for what I needed. Guess what has happened since?  Keep guessing…

If your ‘parnter’ parts leaving you with all of the times that they’re busy and can’t connect, see it for the big, fat, red flag that it is. And then go do whatever the heck it is that you  want to do.  Do not let someone’s lack of passion inspire insecurity or any other shitty feeling. At this age, we’ve all been through too much to waste time living in the land of ambivalence, apathy and pretentious crappola.

Start saying no to waiting around and yes to not giving a damn.

Now go spark up that fire people, whether it be your own innate wildness, or together with your true love. Some say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but  that’s a lazy excuse; out of sight, out of mind sweetcakes. Carry on!

And Then He Kissed Me

Situations such as this, a man about to kiss a...

Situations such as this, a man about to kiss a woman who is in bed in her nightgown (Warren William and Ann Dvorak from Three on a Match), were one of the things the Production Code took aim at. After 1934, a scene such as this would not be seen in a Hollywood film for decades. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been having one of those weeks for a couple of years now. You know what I mean. Those weeks.

The kind of week that bleeds into a couple of years, a bigger waist size, and earlier bedtimes. Don’t turn your back on me darling, I know you have them too.

Even though the stretches of mundane-doldrums seem to get longer as we get older, there are still opportunities for spontenaity, and dare I say affairs of the heart?

Last night I had a most-harlequin-inspired experience. A tall, dark and handsome past love of mine showed up on my cool, crips, fall doorstep.  I used to joke around with one of my past hot-lovers that unless Mr. Wonderful came knocking on my door I would likely not be meeting anyone to share the joy of my smouldering feminine side.

But last night, it happened.  I was fresh from a hot soak, and a very generous glass of bourbon. I had spent a full hour pampering myself, shaving the picky bits, polishing the smooth bits, and getting lost in past escapades with my yummy lovers.

I had settled into a fresh nightie, and was cozied up in the duvet with a thick book, and another helping of Kentucky’s finest when I heard a knock at my patio door.  Had I been completely and utterly sober, I likely would have held my breath and panicked at who might be waiting on the other side of the dark door.

Under the circumstances, I was about as mellow as a girl can get before fading into dreamland, and without a thought I jumped up and brushed the blinds aside, peering out into the darkness.

On the other side was one of the fine specimens who had crawled into my memory earlier,  with his charming smile, warm lips and hot thighs.

Under the circumstances, my mind did not leap to, “What the hell are you doing here?”, or wondering if he had come to inform me of some sexually transmitted disease that would render my tender bits a festering wound of death.  Instead, I opened the door.

“I missed you,” he said, right before he stepped inside and wrapped me in a wonderfully passionate embrace complete with warm, wet, kisses and a hard hello on the other side of his trousers.

Pretty freaking amazing isn’t it my darlings? Pretty hot!

Also, pretty freaking unlikely my innocent little bundles of apple crisp. 

If you’re in a bit of a rut like me, if your cynical side has wrestled your romantic girly-girl into begging-uncle submission, I suggest you remember all of the wonderful, gentle, sexy and kind men out there who are looking for a classy gal like you.

Go ahead, get out there. Drag yourself to the café, to the fair, to the party…it’s true, Mr. Wonderful won’t likely come knocking at your door. You’ll have to find him yourself.

But just in case, never go to bed ugly.

10 Signs You Need a New Guy for Christmas

christmas 2007

christmas 2007 (Photo credit: paparutzi)

I’ve spent Christmas’s with wonderful men, and Christmas’s with useless men ( ie more trouble than they’re worth).

After having been asked about difficult romantic relationships, and how to manage them during the holidays, I give you, my gentle readers, a comparative list from which to learn.

I have spent some time at Christmas with the most useless man on the planet in recent years. All was not lost however. This incredible experience has opened my world up to really great, yummy fellas. Better yet, it has given me priceless experience to share with  readers who have lost all faith that really great guys do exist.

Yes, there are a lot of wonderful men out there ladies!

1) Really great guys…fill your dance card in advance. They recognize the treasure you are, and make plans to romance you throughout the season of light.

Useless men…moan about how hard their life is and squeeze you in last-minute. (ie take your company, and precious time for granted)

2) Really great guys…give you a thoughtful gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive, or break the bank, but it’s something they know you like. This means they’ve listened to you.

Useless men…show up with something they’ve obviously bought because they got it at a discounted price, not because they thought you’d like it.

3) Really great guys…will come along for an evening of outdoor romance…skating, watching a night parade, walking the neighbourhood to look at Christmas lights.

Useless men…moan about how much effort it is to pull on their boots.

4) Really great guys…want to meet your friends and go to your holiday parties.

Useless men…act like they’re doing you a favour.

5) Really great guys…will tear pieces of tape off and stick a piece to every finger so you can just pull it off and continue the arduous job of gift wrapping.

Useless men… find passive aggressive ways to have you offer to wrap their stuff. Don’t fall for this trap.

6) Really great guys…have red and white flowers delivered to your office.

Useless men…whine like children about you liking flowers and the pressure they feel to send them.

7) Really great guys…put up a real Christmas tree in your home.

Useless men…dont’ care whether you have a tree or not, they ask you to help put up theirs.

8) Really great guys…feel manly when you warm your cold toes, nose, bum against their bodies.

Useless men…jump back and whimper like an over-tired 3-year-old.

9) Really great guys…pick out awesome, thoughtful, romantic cards…in November…so they get the best ones.

Useless men…pick the first one off the rack and scribble their name at the bottom.

10) Really great guys…want to know about your childhood Christmas traditions and why you celebrate the way you do.

Useless men…don’t care and don’t ask.

I hope this little comparative list helps out all of my wonderful women in training. Heck, I hope it helps you gorgeous guys out there too, but I know the men who read this are the really, great guys.

After all, we know you love us, and want to make us happy. We love you and want to make you happy too. I think there might be a little somethin’ hiding at the back under the tree for you…if you’re a really great guy.

 

 

More Dating Tips for Men 40+

“How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?”
~Judy Tenuda~

Since I’ve had a number of emails with regard to my post  Dating Tips for Men 40+, I thought I’d give you another ten to work with;1) You are over 40. Do not constantly check yourself out in every surface with a reflection. You look more ‘Saturday Night Fever’ wanna-be than debonaire. After 40, women are looking for substance before style.

2) Do not take your own shirt off for a make-out session. Ewww. Do that, and you are fodder for sarcastic girl talk and laughter the following day, and forever after that.

3) Kiss gently, tenderly and deeply. Deeply as in with feeling, don’t cram your tongue down her throat. Gross.

4) Facial hair – have it under control. If your beard, moustache or other facial accoutrement is not groomed immaculately, you look like a dirty old pervert.

5) Do not refer your lecherous friends to other women, especially without their permission. We are not stupid, real introductions happen over dinner, at a party or at a chance meeting.  “I want to get to know you” texts or out-of-the-blue-phone-calls are really just “I’m a useless flap of lecherous old skin who wants to get laid.”….and they likely also  have poorly groomed facial hair to boot.

6) Don’t be too eager. If you hear about us, and you are instantly in love, you’re likely nuts too. Go get help.

7) If we’re out on a third date with you, we like you. Relax, have fun and refer to number 3.

8) Do not lie about your age. Tell the truth. Liars, always get found out, and whether you realize it or not, even such a ‘white’ lie lays the foundation for suspicion and zero trust.

9) Erections. Get and maintain one. No, it does not happen to everyone. They have pills for that – go to  your doctor. We are not therapists, we are luscious, wonderful, fully sensual beings. You are courting us, not married to us. Make the effort.

10)  Be romantic ‘just because’. I refer to you to Gregory Godek. It takes practice to become a habit.