Andshelaughs · Dating Advice · Graceful Living · Gracious Living · Healthy Living · Life · Life Lessons · Living · Meaning of Life · Midlife · Opinion · Perspective · Relationships · Simple Living · Social Anxiety · Social Commentary · Society · The Art of Living · Uncategorized

5 Ways Not to Be a Weirdo

strangeI guarantee you that someone, somewhere, thinks you’re a weirdo.

“Why the hell are people so freaking weird?!”I ask myself this question a lot. Like, a-lot-a-lot.

Anyone who has to get up, go to work, or interact with another human being during the day thinks the same way.

Mostly weirdness comes into play if you are an ignorant stunner when you’re dealing with  people. Not a stunner like the Hope Diamond. Just stunned. I suspect most weirdos are so ignorant of their surroundings that they think they’re perfectly normal.

Most people who make me think they’re from another planet are the ones who are just on the edge of rude-enough-to-make-me-do-a-double-take, but not so rude as to warrant one of my very calm, but forward diplomatic chats.

Recently, with eyeballs as big as a saucer after walking away from a real weirdo, I realized that most weirdos are likely just victims of our time. Most  have unreal expectations about what is humanly possible based on our instant-access-to-information world. Either they expect you to snap your fingers and so-mote-it-be, or they don’t realize that you can do things as quickly as you can.

Most annoying of course are the people who think you can pull bunnies, doves and miracles out of your ass. Kind of like someone in line for an extra-hot-non-fat-no-whip-double-shot-venti-with-a-carmel-pump getting frustrated with the wait at their favourite coffee shop. Some things obviously take time. Use your new millenium meditation skills and deal with it weirdo. Try to actually think something through.

Now more than ever we live in a world where people have no concept of face-to-face etiquette. As consumers we feel entitled, and as workers we feel stretched. Nobody’s happy.  Weird.

5 Ways To Not Be A Weirdo

  1. When attending appointments, dates or get-togethers, please try to adhere to the same time-space continuum as everyone else in your time zone. In plain-speak- show up on time.
  2. Don’t carry food and drink with you everywhere. This goes for parents with kids. You know they need to eat, it’s not a new development in our evolution.  Plan for it. You know you have to eat. Plan for it. And no, you will not die if you don’t have a paper cup filled with joe or bottle of water attached to your hand.
  3. Be aware of personal space and appropriate length of eye contact. As a matter of fact, make sure you also blink. Non-blinkers are ultra-weird.
  4. Practice the art of conversation, especially the listening portion. Making someone repeat themselves for any other reason than a hearing issue is just strange. Get out of your own little weirdo, narcissistic head and l.i.s.t.e.n. and then act appropriately.
  5. Which brings me to magic #5….be aware and considerate of your surroundings…..weirdo.

 

Advice · Andshelaughs · Articles · Blogs · Comedy · culture · Day In The Lif · Feminism · Girls Stuff · Guy Stuff · Health · Humor · Humour · Life · Living · Meaning of Life · Men's Issues · Opinion · Relationships · Society · Women's Issues · Writers

Wine: The Cure-All for Driver Training, PMS and Annoying Old Ladies

"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together." ~Liz Taylor~
“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together.”
~Liz Taylor~

Let’s work backward from the annoying old lady shall we?

Given that I, myself am an annoying old lady according to my kiddo’s generation, you can take this with a grain of salt.

DO NOT ask forty-something year old women if they are married and have a family (in the same breath).  If you must ask, you clearly don’t know me well enough to ask and clearly it is none of your damn business darling.

First of all, it does not endear us to you, and second of all because you’re likely to get an answer that confuses your out of touch moronic-question-asking priorities. My answer, “No, and yes,” with a smile that silently said, “All the better to eat you with you gauche old cow“, was clearly confusing. So, I did what I thought most prudent under the circumstances; spun on my well turned-out heels and walked away.

Women are not baby-factories or defined by their marital status any more. We have credentials, and likely a better grip on our own personal world of finance, family and friendship than any man whom may have coddled previous generations of women through life. We generally do not subscribe to the rule of, the bigger the sin, the bigger the diamond. We conduct ourselves with discretion and expect our wonderful men to carry themselves the same way.

We also have PMS.

I don’t care what we think big-pharma is pulling over our eyes. I already KNOW they’re killing us while making trillions of dollars off of our unnatural lifestyles. What I also know is that I get tired, bitchy, and a tad prone to tears when mother nature comes to collect on all the party time down under. Whilst preaching the benefit of some wonder-contraceptive today, my body was secretly laughing.

“Maybe you’re just PMS’ing”, a pal said when I told her I was feeling a bit edgy.

Nah, I don’t PMS. I was a skeptic, but have this new wonderful-better-than-gawd-birth-control, ” I giggled like a mad woman, “I don’t get periods any more.” Ah, yes, the beauty of aging. Clearly that was the confidence of over two decades of successful birth control and no unwanted pregnancies speaking, not my rational self.

But mother nature can be even more cruel than little old ladies who judge you according to whether or not you’re married and as miserable as they are. Mother nature promptly, and without warning tapped me on the head with her magic-menstruation-cudgel. Wonderfreakingful.

The only thing that could possibly have been better is if I were wearing brand new panties and white short-shorts in a canoe a thousand miles away from a tampon, which, just in case you’re wondering, has happened to every Canadian woman who has ever had an in-the-great-outdoors-adventure.

Perfect.

The only good part about my day was getting home before dawn, and actually having time to run some errands and see my kiddo. Who, incidentally hates me by default because he’s a teenager. “Are you ever actually going to take me driving?”. I think he may have even made eye contact while he  spoke, so it must have been really important to him.

It’s a good thing he asked after I’d had a chance to load up on some vintage vino, with one particularly lovely Shiraz from the Southern Barossa Valley which was silently wooing me from the trunk like a secret lover who had managed to squirrel away a few hours for passionate love-making..

So there you have it.  After having some old bag call into question my value as a woman because I’m not with-band-on-ring-finger, having the equivalent of a rogue-wave-in-a-mud-puddle anomaly of a period arrive, and have to sit through a driving lesson with my teenager, I am finally resigning myself to being completely and utterly in the moment.

It doesn’t hurt to have some classic jazz and a lip-smacking, seductive wine to help me get my Zen on. So long as no strangers ask me any more judgmental-quasi-Christian-have-you-been-saved-questions, we all just might make it out of this week alive. Cheers to you my fellow fearless ladies. May your wine racks overfloweth!