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Not Being In Love: The Truth From Someone Who’s Single

"Don't ever settle for a relationship that doesn't allow you to be yourself." ~Unkown~
“Don’t ever settle for a relationship that doesn’t allow you to be yourself.”
~Unkown~

When you’re not in love, life is a lot simpler.

That’s what my experience has been. When you are in love, your heart aches for that someone special, and you would twist yourself inside out to make their world a little brighter.

Being in love is ideal, and not being in love can be very liberating.

Not being in love allows you the freedom to be distracted from your real life and to be entertained. Flirting requires a cleverness that gets lost in relationships. Not being in love means not being attached. Not being attached means not being attached to any particular  outcome. Not being attached to outcome lends itself to a lighthearted freedom, and you know what Janis Joplin’s famous rendition of Me and Bobby McGee taught us about freedom;

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose

~Kris Kristofferson & Fred Foster~

One of the best parts of any great relationship that I have, whether it be romantic, or platonic, is that it was rooted in the deep muck of silliness, play and lack of inhibition.

Too many relationships have been about saving the other person. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like hanging around like that hideous orange and white life-preserver that dries out and cracks in the sun while everyone is having fun in the pool. I don’t want a needy partner looking to be saved. I want a relationship to be a place where we can both come to recharge our batteries, instead of sucking the energy from one another. It’s a fine balance my juicy little love-plums.

So if you’re not in love, the next best thing may be to be engaged in some sort of flirtatious shenanigans. These are the things that keep us young at heart, and there is nothing more deliciously sexy than someone who knows how to have fun. Wine doesn’t hurt either…but I digress.

Being in love can be safe, comfortable, and deeply satisfying. Not being in love often results in the singleton being told a plethora of platitudes from people who are only somewhat satisfied with their partners, some of the worst of which are; you’ll find someone when you’re not looking, don’t settle, and, have you tried on-line dating?

All the while, the singleton at the receiving end of this merciless load of poop is thinking, “Maybe you should try shutting up and going home to suffer in silence next to your boring partner who makes you feel mediocre at best.”

Not being in love does not offer the safety of two incomes. It does not offer an unconditional casual therapist. Not being in love leaves you free to choose when you want to wake up on your no-alarm clock days, and coming home to eat curry and drink beer in your undies after a long week at work. Not that I would personally ever do such a thing….

Not being in love also opens up a world of delight if only you can let yourself enjoy some harmless flirting. Which, has also been known to lead to falling head over heels into the sticky spider-web of love…proceed with caution my lovelies. Consider yourself warned.

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Friday – Go After it Like It’s a Monday!

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The Fathoms of Her Mind

battlebrainThe communication neurons between men and women seem to misfire at an alarmingly high rate.

I must admit that I have no idea what makes a man tick beyond a good meal and a good shagging. Perhaps some intelligent dialogue, maybe some seduction, but beyond that, I really have no idea. If I did, I likely would have been able to reel one in by now and get him in the net.

Often a man has arrived at my door seemingly cool as a cucumber, armed with a bottle of wine, bouquet of flowers, or even, appallingly enough, with nothing in hand.

It appears my delicate reader that men only shower, dress and show up.

Not so with women. This post is for the men out there, in an effort to give you some appreciation of our thought-process, and what we do in order to ‘get ready’ to see our deliciously handsome slices of man-pie.

Unfortunately in this day and age, our preparatory regime is often limited by the time we have available. For instance, it’s often a toss up whether we dust, or try on a succession of delicates to wear under our clothing. Often we will opt for  low lighting, and spend our precious time getting our gitch right.

What to wear…that’s a biggie. In order to answer that question, we must ask ourselves more questions; Are we going out or are we staying in? Will we be disrobing, or will we remain clothed? Should I wear a light shirt or a sweater based on how hot I am (not the ambient room temperature)? If we’re going out, which shoes should I wear. I want to be sexy, but not walking like a new-born calf in ultra-high-heels if we have to walk very far.

Then there’s the issue of our hair…Are we going out or staying in? Is there any chance it might get wet, or frizzy from the humidity? Which hair products should I use? I want the style to stay in place, but I don’t want his fingers to stick to it like fly paper. Are my roots showing? Should touch it up, or will I smell like a bottle of ammonia? Should I pack what I need to put it up if it looks like crap wearing it down? Do I need a bigger purse to carry all of my back-up accessories?

Make-up…is it worth it? Is this an entirely indulgent and wonderfully long and well-planned date? Will I need to go for full face with some strategically placed powder? Is this a romp in la sack? If so, I need to go light and waterproof so I don’t come up for air looking like Marilyn Manson’s mother.

Hydration…how much water should I drink beforehand so the wine at dinner doesn’t give me a headache, or the action afterward wear me out?  On the other hand, I don’t want to spend most of the evening in the ladies room either.

Remembering what he said the last time I spoke with him…What’s he up to, what’s important to him? what makes him smile and laugh? These are all very important things, because after all, you wouldn’t be wanting to spend time with someone if his feelings weren’t important. When I’m anxious or excited, I tend to babble incessantly. Remember you were born with one mouth and two ears – shut up and listen darlings.

Transportation…should we drive together or just meet there? Usually this is not a question, we already know the answer. If we are just starting to see one another and don’t know one another well, I tend to air on the side of caution. Get myself there in order to get myself out of there if need be. If we both want a few tipples, perhaps a cab is in order. Do I have the requisite parking available should I choose to entertain said gentleman until the wee hours of the morning?

Manicure (colour and length), pedicure, shade of eyeshadow, shade of lipstick, bra, panties, socks, garters, pantyhose, sandals, shoes, height of heel, jacked or not, purse, required girl-stuff for purse including breath mints, lipstick, hair stuff, phone, money, identification, pants, skirt, shirt, necklace, earrings, watch, bracelet…the list goes on.

So gentlemen, my delightful, wonderful darling men, please understand when we ask where we’re going, we’re asking not because we question your judgment, motives, or means. We are asking so we can be our most radiant, beautiful confident selves and provide you with exquisite company. Humour us a while won’t you?

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Why You’re Second Best

"Of all the properties which belong to honorable men, not one is so highly prized as that of character."  ~Henry Clay~
“Of all the properties which belong to honorable men, not one is so highly prized as that of character.” ~Henry Clay~

I can picture you reading this.

Perhaps you’re perched over your newspaper with  mug in hand, scooping toast into your mouth with your pinky in the air.

Maybe you’re sneaking in a read while you lounge on the couch enjoying some of nature’s finest.

Maybe, you’re even listening to wifey put the kids to bed down the hall.

Whomever you may be, trust me, this post is about you.

But how can it be?”

You’re getting that sinking feeling in your stomach right now aren’t you darling?

You poor thing. It’s kinda like the same feeling your half-truths have given the other person on the receiving end of your juvenile rationale that  not telling someone something doesn’t constitute a lie.  Grow up and grow some.

It’s not about lying or not lying. It’s about being truthful, trustworthy, and kind.

You have yet to develop those traits, so long as you skirt around the truth like a nine-year old.

Besides the universal truth of women’s intuition, now we have social media as well. Which means the little half-truths and lies you tell are not that long in revealing themselves all on their very own.

So, to women and men out there who like to manipulate their relationships, stop wondering why people-of-good-character don’t set firm dates with you.

Stop wondering why we back out at the last-minute, or just seem like we just don’t want to do stuff with you.

The reality is, you’ve made us feel like second-best, and frankly, you’re our last choice as well. You’ve  become what my savy, grey-wigged-great-auntie used to refer to as, ‘Any port in a storm’. You may be good for a beer, or a bonk, but nothing more than that.

Most of us have reached the age where the old adage is true; If we can’t be friends how can we be lovers?

We can’t.

The bad news for you  is that everyone knows you’re a coward who hides the truth. The good news is,  now you know your secret is out.  You might have just enough years left in your lifetime to make something of yourself.

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Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe

~"If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders."~
~”If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders.”~

Trying to guess what someone else is thinking is like trying to imagine life with a third eye.

In other words, it’s impossible.

You might get close.  You might even consider all of the options over a glass or two of wine with your finest gal-pals, or like I’ve been trying to do lately, you might just give it up completely and carry on with life.

You see, I have a pretty good ability to measure the emotional temperature of a room. Once I have a conversation or work with someone for a while, it’s not too difficult to understand what motivates someone.

When it comes to love however, I absolutely have no idea what’s going on.

It was recently pointed out to me by a brave man, who came back asking for a second chance. At what, I’m still not sure, but nonetheless, he had courage, and I can respect that.

Before we signed our peace treaty and sealed it with a set of messy sheets and a bottle of bubbly, he entertained me through two Manhattan’s with the reason why he disappeared in the first place. I was gob-smacked to hear his perspective, because we all know that I’m always right. Right?

I ran the scenario according to HIM by my gal-pal Dar, and she had to take his side. Yes, I had to admit that I stink at communication with men. More specifically, men I date, sleep with, or am remotely interested in.

A woman known for her ability to communicate, persuade and inspire, I fall well short when it comes to romance. I can intellectualize it for you though.

I am driven by the limbic brain. You know, that part that has been there since our ancestors crawled out of the ocean, onto the land, and chewed off their fins.

The limbic brain is a neighbour to the neo-cortex, where all of our language is formed so we can express ourselves to one another. Unfortunately, the limbic brain and the neo-cortex are bad neighbours. Having said that, being highly intuitive does not equal being highly able to express emotional thoughts.

So lately, as difficult as it is for a control-freak like myself, I have given up guessing what the hell is going on in a man’s mind. I have decided to let destiny unfold without any kind of tinkering or infiltrating the mind of my suitors. Trying.

That does not mean that my lovely and wonderful rendez-vous have gone un-analyzsed by myself and my pals. That does not mean that I have not been kept awake at night wondering what ‘he’s’ thinking, or why ‘he’ did that, or why ‘he’ didn’t do that. It just means that I’m trying to let it go, and let the right man make a place for himself in my life.

My vast experience with men has taught me that trying to  guess their emotions or motivation is like choosing something using the eeny- meeny-miney-moe method of deduction. It just doesn’t work, and it’s a waste of time.

Instead, I’m just doing my best to be in the moment. I am just letting myself love and enjoy them completely and fully without expectation or, disappointment.

So, as my friend Ms. Teri M. says, “May the best man win“.

 

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Believe Me When I Tell You

believe“I love you,” what a wonderful phrase. It’s beautiful and frightening, and even more than that, it’s tenuous.

I’m not talking about the ‘I love you’s’ told to relatives or even best friends. No sweeties. I’m talking about the ‘I love you’s’, most often whispered whilst clothed in damp bed sheets or after a romantic dinner whence you enjoyed too much wine.

‘I love you’, changes the dynamic of the relationship. It adds depth and breadth, and a sense of oneness.

Alas, there are many, many encounters to survive before you get to ‘I love you’.  Years ago, I spent over two years with a guy before he said the magic words. Picture this; a beer tasting, romantic dinner, and a fun night of silly sexiness.

We had both booked the following morning off. After we kissed each other good-bye, and headed our separate ways, he stops his car in front of mine, jumps out, pokes his head through the passenger side window of my car and says; I love you.

I was shocked and elated. Way better than a passionate between-the-sheets-did-they-really-mean-it-I-love-you. It was matter of fact. It was as simple as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. That was it.

Besides the relation-ship being steered off course by, well, by mere stupidity, we’ve loved one another ever since, and I still consider the car-window-first-I-love-you, one of the best.begin anywhere

We all know however that there will be fewer ‘I love you’s’ in our single, adult lives than, ‘how the hell do I get outta here’s’. It’s just a fact darlings. That’s why the good lord gave us the skills and resources to make moonshine and bubbly.

More often than not, we meet men and women who warn us off of them before we even get close to the warm fuzzies.

When a man or woman says that they’re not good enough for you, believe them. No. Stop right there sweetie. Unless you are a certified, diplomas on the wall therapist, back away.

If a lover wishes to be more than a sunset to sunrise between the sheets work-out buddy, they will be there.

They will be there in the morning, the afternoon, and before you close your pretty little eyes and fall asleep. Whether it’s a phone call, text, letter or other romantic gesture, they will let you know that you are in their heart.

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Remember that it’s the chemical reaction to sex (adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin) that makes us lose our common sense. It’s the final burst of oxytocin that gets me. It turns me from sensible, intelligent, independent woman to puddle of I-wanna-cuddle-mush. That’s when my head on his hairy chest seems oh-so-romantic, and every centimeter of my flesh wants to cuddle until the end of time.

And that moment my darlings, is the one during which you must, unless he’s been the morning-mid-day-night-time suitor, push his booty-calling arse right out of the bed and bid him farewell. During particularly stressful times, this will be hard to do. Harder than not buying those pants that hug your curves so well in both colours.

In an adult relationship there is very little ego. It’s not difficult to drop after a certain age because you realize just how easy your ego is to pick back up again.  If your darling man or lady-friend does not act and speak from a place of sincerity, file them under B, and reserve your encounters to ones where you don’t have to bother getting dressed or making breakfast.

Believe a man when he doesn’t have time for you. Believe a man who says he’s not good enough for you. Believe a man for what he does not say, does not do, and isn’t fulfilling in your life. Same goes for the gentlemen out there, women are the same.

Enjoy your playtime for what it is, but never, ever let it get in the way of the relationship you really want.