I’ve lived in this place too long. Perhaps I’ve just lived in my own head for too long with very little meaningful companionship.
Christmas is a time of reflection. We tend to let our minds wander to our relationships with the people and places we love. As I do that, I realize that I’m at home nowhere and everywhere all at the same time.
As a child, I never felt at home when I was at home. That helped me cultivate feeling at home within myself, wherever I landed, or lived.
“I could never live in the city,” or “I could never live way out in the boonies, ” are the common things people say when we talk about the benefits and drawbacks of city vs. small-town living.
More common at this time of year is; “What did you ask for, for Christmas.”
To which I think a very mature and calm, “WTF”?
Seriously, at this age is there anything a person really needs? I have everything I need, so what could I possibly want that anyone other than myself can give me?
Sure, I want my every-day luxuries; my favourite French perfume, champagne in the fridge, a good book, a formal dress, good shoes, and a piece or two of very fine chocolate hidden away for emergencies. But I look after that myself darlings.
Right now, what I want is to run away.
The question is from what and why?
In my experience it’s because I’m searching for fulfillment. Looking for somewhere I feel more at home than home. It’s happened a few times, but I’ve been pulled back by responsibility.
At this mid-life juncture, I can’t move, and I can’t afford to take half a year off to find myself in a sailboat on the Caribbean sea, or wandering the cobblestone streets of old Europe.
I’m counting down to when I might throw this city living in, and hide away in the country by a lake. Or perhaps I’ll move to the heart of a city, ditch the car and commute for a bachelor pad and a subscription to the theatres.
In order to fully think all of my options through, I might need to pack my trusty carry-on and make a last minute skip across the pond.
Who knows how this wanderlust and dissatisfaction with life will play itself out. It’s the classic theme that literature reflects so well; leaving home to find yourself.
Since my nature to nurture is not being fully realized as a singleton, maybe it’s time to go on an adventure to mine the joy I know is hidden somewhere deep within myself, make a plan, and have something to look forward to.
This Christmas, one of my wishes for you is that you find yourself at home, wherever you are.