I watched the shape of my legs as they were lifted by the salt water in the spa pool today. My pink pedicured were pretty there in the blue pool. I took the sight of them in, the callus on my right foot that developed since beginning a backward trek in my career which requires standing for twelve or more hours every day.
I haven’t been taking very good care of me, I thought to myself as my head leaned back to rest on the cool, curved stone of the pool. My shoulders were starting to relax and I began to understand the degree of tension that I’ve been holding onto.
My mind was racing. I decided to focus my thoughts; first would be the very difficult decision about what to wear to lunch Friday. It’s a grey-area-lunch-date. Personal-professional, whatever. That must have taken a whole two minutes. Then I focussed on possible scenarios about the conversation, and figured out some questions that would be important.
Next, my thoughts turned to my new sweetie. For the love of all that’s holy, what the hell is going on with that?
This morning I was searching for a case for his reading glasses. I’ve decided that I’ll keep a pair in my purse just in case. So far he’s forgotten them and lost a pair. I reached for a pile of glass cases and remembered that I have another woman’s identification in one of them. The I.D. that fell out of the pocket of the last man who weaselled his way into my life. I found it on my bedroom floor.
Shortly after that I decided that I would dismiss said weasel from my life. But why do I still have that damn I.D.?
It’s the same reason I still have legal papers from an abusive parental relationship in my filing cabinet. They both serve as a reminder to protect myself.
But it’s a fine line isn’t it? This being wise and being vulnerable. We need to be both. Wisdom helps protect our health, and being vulnerable is the only way to be nurtured.
As my body relaxed in the perfect warmth of the pool, I knew that it was time to let go. All of it.
Ok, so I got distracted from my love life, but I had a chance to analyse my brand of fear. This also takes me back to taking care of myself. I need more quiet time. Away. To think. To make sure my old body knows how much I appreciate it.
Time to move on to item number three on the must-give-this-some-focussed-rational-thought-list. I sipped my pomegranate -detox-whatchamacallit, and made a list of pros and cons about the man of the moment.
Then I did something terrifying. I held those attributes up to my world famous and ridiculously high expectations. Is it possible to laugh yourself to death in a healing waters pool? Just to be safe I moved to the steam sauna.
Clearly my first two-minute dilemma about what to wear to a semi-professional lunch on Friday that could lead to dinner, points it’s gnarled finger at my inability to let things go, let people in, and let myself be cared for.
While I spent the day being pampered, soaked and massaged into a puddle of self-loving-rational-thinking woman, one of my best friends found out that her father had died.
…and there’s no better reason to let it all go…
Life, as I often preach, is short and precious. Let it go, and let the good stuff in.