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Top Ten List – We’re Not So Different After All

200276829-001This morning, as I sipped my coffee with Willie Nelson cat perched with his paws on the window sill and his bum next to my shamrock, I  scanned my social media pages as usual.

Silliness has a way of captivating me. I crave it like I crave long, solid hugs and deep wet kisses. Silliness is ageless, does not care what your hair looks like, and certainly doesn’t worry about whether or not your socks match.

So, this Tuesday, a day that always proves that life is like a jester, full of surprises and harsh reflections, I give you a rebuttle of a Top Ten list that expounded on the ‘Top Ten’ things that women do wrong in bed. Pul-eaze!

1) Not grooming – that includes your face gentlemen, and that mess of bushy pubes you’re so terribly afraid of giving some style to. Don’t mercilessly hack away at it. Go get it groomed by a professional like we do. If your wee-wee resembles King Lear raging on the stormy heath, we will stay away. Let me also point out your toe-nails. We notice. In fact, poorly groomed feet have hampered one recent rendez-vous pour moi. I must say that this ties in to point number four about not shaving your legs, but a man wrote this, and I think he actually had difficulty coming up with a total of ten things we ladies do wrong.

2) Sex in the dark. We’re visual creatures too you goons. Throw us some candlelight in your disgusting man-caves.

3)Leaving birth control up to her. Are you serious? Whomever created this man’s list is delusional. What right-thinking woman would ever leave this up to a man? Ah yes, and what right-thinking man wouldn’t come prepared with a stash of first-class condoms that he prefers???  Grow up.

4) Not shaving your legs. Ok gentlemen, please don’t shave your legs, or your back or your chest. It just leaves you picky and feeling like we’re snuggling shoreline scrub.Groom thyself to be a snuggly, lickable piece of man loveliness.

5) Laying there like a flounder. God no. There is nothing worse than a man bouncing on the matress and spreading out like a sultan ready to be serviced. Ick. If you put your hand on the back of our heads for a little mouth to mouth with sir-dribbly- bits, forget it. Especially if you have toenail issues. Barf. Go get a hooker.

6) Using Cosmo as a sex bible. First of all gents, if you date a woman who has yet to graduate to Vogue or the New Yorker, you get what you pay for. P.S. we suggest you don’t use porn as your sex bible. Use it just enough to let us know you care about your performance, and use your own imagination just enough to let us know you’re a thinking man. Smart is sexy after all gentlemen.

7) Expecting her to cuddle. Amen and hallelujah! Do not assume you are EVER spending the night. Call a cab, take the bus or put on your walking shoes until you’ve successfully completed level one darling. Don’t leave your toothbrush.

8) Making her responsible for your orgasm. Well, we like to make you happy, so I’m going to adapt this one. Don’t have an orgasm like a baby bird, with a little chirp and go limp. Give it some gusto gents, like the man we know you are.

9)Assuming sex means love. See number 7.

10) It’s not that easy, men are not machines. You don’t say. Neither are we. I guess we’re not quite that different after all.

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