1) Use the tongs, the scoop and the sanitary utensils provided. I do not want your Christmas sniffles, the herpes you caught in grade 11, or any of your mucus on my french creams or snowballs.
2) If a line-up is so long that the line snakes outside, please don’t lean on the door to hold it open. Clearly the man who leaned on the door to the restaurant this morning for the weekly Sunday-breakfast crowd hasn’t read my blog. Shut the door! Except…
3) …when you should hold it open for the person entering the doorway after you, the person pushing a baby stroller, or someone with their hands full.
4) This one goes out to the woman who takes her shoes and socks off and puts them on the leather chair at my local Starbucks while she manhandles every fashion magazine she can carry from the magazine rack to the chair;
People waiting for their shopping or coffee buddies in any café attached to a bookstore, please don’t pimp out the magazines, wiping your greasy-cranberry-scone-caramel-latte-fingers all over them so the bookstore takes a few-hundred dollar hit every freaking day. That loss-to-selfish-idiot-price is built into the cost of everything else in the store you selfish twit.
5)Thinking of relaxing at a movie? So was everyone else. Arrive before the previews and shove your cell phone where the sun don’t shine; in your pocket or your purse.
6) You want to spend some quality time with a friend? Don’t just drop in. Call, set up a time, and don’t assume they want to have a visit with your significant other. If the invitation wasn’t extended to two, the host does probably mind (in your best whiny voice) ” if I bring……”.
7) If your love-dove-lady-friend is shopping for a little black dress, or anything else, keep your masculine self out of the women’s fitting room. I don’t care if you’re her father, brother, or paid escort. This is just creepy and perverted, and WE WILL TELL YOU.
8) Parking. Do not park with your signal on so that the rest of the city traffic is backed up to the nearest country side-road. Drive to the end of the lot and park your freaking-car.
9) If your shopping cart is touching my sweet-patootie while we’re standing in line, something behind you had better be on fire. Back the hell up.
10) Don’t be a Sunday driver Monday at 5pm. In other words, if you do not have to be out during the rush hour; at the grocery store, the big-box store, or any other store, just go at another time. Why get in the way of everyone who must work and use their precious after-work-before-home time to brave the holiday crowds for a bag of milk?
Please share this post so that the head-smack-needing-bulk-finger-lickers-and-treacherous-space-crowders read it too.