The Fathoms of Her Mind

battlebrainThe communication neurons between men and women seem to misfire at an alarmingly high rate.

I must admit that I have no idea what makes a man tick beyond a good meal and a good shagging. Perhaps some intelligent dialogue, maybe some seduction, but beyond that, I really have no idea. If I did, I likely would have been able to reel one in by now and get him in the net.

Often a man has arrived at my door seemingly cool as a cucumber, armed with a bottle of wine, bouquet of flowers, or even, appallingly enough, with nothing in hand.

It appears my delicate reader that men only shower, dress and show up.

Not so with women. This post is for the men out there, in an effort to give you some appreciation of our thought-process, and what we do in order to ‘get ready’ to see our deliciously handsome slices of man-pie.

Unfortunately in this day and age, our preparatory regime is often limited by the time we have available. For instance, it’s often a toss up whether we dust, or try on a succession of delicates to wear under our clothing. Often we will opt for  low lighting, and spend our precious time getting our gitch right.

What to wear…that’s a biggie. In order to answer that question, we must ask ourselves more questions; Are we going out or are we staying in? Will we be disrobing, or will we remain clothed? Should I wear a light shirt or a sweater based on how hot I am (not the ambient room temperature)? If we’re going out, which shoes should I wear. I want to be sexy, but not walking like a new-born calf in ultra-high-heels if we have to walk very far.

Then there’s the issue of our hair…Are we going out or staying in? Is there any chance it might get wet, or frizzy from the humidity? Which hair products should I use? I want the style to stay in place, but I don’t want his fingers to stick to it like fly paper. Are my roots showing? Should touch it up, or will I smell like a bottle of ammonia? Should I pack what I need to put it up if it looks like crap wearing it down? Do I need a bigger purse to carry all of my back-up accessories?

Make-up…is it worth it? Is this an entirely indulgent and wonderfully long and well-planned date? Will I need to go for full face with some strategically placed powder? Is this a romp in la sack? If so, I need to go light and waterproof so I don’t come up for air looking like Marilyn Manson’s mother.

Hydration…how much water should I drink beforehand so the wine at dinner doesn’t give me a headache, or the action afterward wear me out?  On the other hand, I don’t want to spend most of the evening in the ladies room either.

Remembering what he said the last time I spoke with him…What’s he up to, what’s important to him? what makes him smile and laugh? These are all very important things, because after all, you wouldn’t be wanting to spend time with someone if his feelings weren’t important. When I’m anxious or excited, I tend to babble incessantly. Remember you were born with one mouth and two ears – shut up and listen darlings.

Transportation…should we drive together or just meet there? Usually this is not a question, we already know the answer. If we are just starting to see one another and don’t know one another well, I tend to air on the side of caution. Get myself there in order to get myself out of there if need be. If we both want a few tipples, perhaps a cab is in order. Do I have the requisite parking available should I choose to entertain said gentleman until the wee hours of the morning?

Manicure (colour and length), pedicure, shade of eyeshadow, shade of lipstick, bra, panties, socks, garters, pantyhose, sandals, shoes, height of heel, jacked or not, purse, required girl-stuff for purse including breath mints, lipstick, hair stuff, phone, money, identification, pants, skirt, shirt, necklace, earrings, watch, bracelet…the list goes on.

So gentlemen, my delightful, wonderful darling men, please understand when we ask where we’re going, we’re asking not because we question your judgment, motives, or means. We are asking so we can be our most radiant, beautiful confident selves and provide you with exquisite company. Humour us a while won’t you?

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