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Cocktail Style Guide

"Always keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you've got a bottle of champagne in the fridge. " ~Hester Browne~
“Always keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is that you’ve got a bottle of champagne in the fridge. “
~Hester Browne~

…or, the less conservative; “How to Have your Hooch and Look  Like a Lady Doing It”.

There’s nothing like a little burn-out to make a girl appreciate her liquor cabinet.

I hate to generalize, so let’s define burn-out shall we ladies?

The Bing on-line dictionary’s  definition of burn out goes something like this;

 [ búrn òwt ]   
  1. exhaustion: psychological exhaustion and diminished efficiency resulting from overwork or prolonged exposure to stress
  2. extremely exhausted person: somebody affected by psychological exhaustion
  3. machine failure through heat: failure of a machine or part of a machine to work because of overuse or excessive heat or friction

Just to be thorough in our mutual understanding, I think that we can concur that burn out can also result from lack of shenanigans, lack of sexual ecstasy, and an overload of having to deal with those of diminished capacity for common sense and basic human emotions such as empathy or twisted senses of humour.

White Wine Spritzer. If your burn-out stems from the workplace, it is socially acceptable to come home and make dinner whilst dancing in the kitchen, to a little Solomon Burke and enjoying a white wine spritzer (or two) with a dash of lemon.

Red Wine. If your ever-attentive man is making your dinner, switch your spritzer to a juicy gulpable red, and enjoy while soaking in the bath…because we know what will happen after your second or third glass with dinner. God bless the men who know how to take care of us and stroke stoke our fire.

White Wine Sangria. If you are entertaining, and it’s hot, like southern belle hot as hell, mix up some vino verde, gingerale, sliced berries, limes and lemons with loads of ice. Easy and de-lish.

Campari and Soda. Perhaps you’re waiting for your bestie to arrive to dish the lastest on her man’s prowess (or lack thereof), a Campari and soda – rocks please- will satisfy your craving, and make you feel as feminine as a pretty pink pair of panties.

Amaretto Sour. If evening shenanigans are on the menu and the dinner hour has passed while you primp and prime yourself, go straight for these. They’re fun, sweet and have a little twist. They’re just like you plan on being while flirting and playing well into the wee hours of the morning.

Bourbon (one of my personal favourites) is best served straight and warm, or with a single cube of ice if you need it to be refreshing. Bourbon is for discussing serious issues with people whom have garnered your respect; professional or otherwise. Let it fortify you from the inside out. Take a cab home.

Beer. Hmmm, best for a quick catch-up at the bar while watching the World Series.

Port. Blue cheese please. Fireplace and handsome, informed company is mandatory.

Martinis. The chipped nail-polish of the cocktail world. Trashy  like one-night-stands, unless they’re straight-up, dirty, with olives on the side. Every one-night stand has it’s place, so don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Good for shaking off excess energy and getting your  groove back. Don’t hate yourself in the morning. Simply switch to mimosas.

Mimosa. Every Sunday morning. Preferably after a solid shag, and before you read the paper.

Mojito. Only in Cuba. Only with fresh mint. Only while sitting in an open air café with ceiling fans spinning lazily.

Tequila – when your attitude is ‘what the hell’ and ‘who gives a crap’. Should only be consumed while wearing denim and something bought at K-Mart designed by Jessica Simpson.

Mint Juleps – May. Only May, while watching the Kentucky Derby. Can also be excused while watching the Preakness.

Rum. Are you on a tropical island or wish that you were? Mix rum with pineapple juice, or whatever makes you think happy thoughts. Some sort of slushy concoction can take your blues away for a few hours.

Champagne (Cava may be substituted). While soaking up to your neck in a hot bath while listening to Leonard Cohen. While prepping for an erotic, perhaps even kinky evening in with your partner of choice. Can also be consumed in copious quantities while having girl-talk about the one that got away, your body issues, or your hopes and dreams. The bubbles in champagne make you feel like the world must be ok if you’re drinking such a delightful drink.

Vodka – seriously? It’s like drinking a K-car. Move on.

Irish cream – over ice with milk. Good for an evening wrapped in your snuggie while reading a Harlequin.

Gin and tonic. Must be over twenty-seven degrees Celsius. Must be ice cold. Must have lime. Must drink at least three.

Whiskey. Are you wearing cowboy boots? Is your carriage for the event a pick-up truck? Does someone have on a ball-cap, or alternately have hat-head? Then it’s ok.

I do hope that this simple guide to making your hooch seem feminine has been of assistance to you. Please enjoy responsibly, and do give in to temptation of the flesh every once in a while my sweet, juicy little peaches. It’s what keeps us young.

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