Today was a long day darlings.
Having only realized my lack of ice-cold club soda upon arriving home, I had to substitute champagne.
Given the hooch-tragedy, I decided to go all out fabulously-girly and enjoy it while soaking neck-deep in a bubble bath.
Immediately after the bubbles hit my blood stream I became relaxed and inspired by sublime genious. In the candlelit room, serenaded by the likes of Ella Fitzgerald and Nina Simone, I wondered about;
1) How someone so ugly on the inside can be almost as ugly on the outside – Bashir Al (now that’s downright ug-lee). Are we really wasting time playing this idiot’s game? Seriously. How can this breathing example of satan still be standing when innocent kids get shot on the street. Just the thought almost makes me want to switch from bubbly to bourbon.
2) Why does our conscience evolve to higher ethical and moral standards at a point in life where day-to-day stress and our need for physical connection are both at their height? Getting laid is far more work than it’s worth, and with a more discerning conscious, it’s like having a got-lucky-hangover the next day. Call me.
3) I wonder if it would be ok to kick someone in the wiggly bits for routinely disrespecting my time?
4) Do most women appreciate that they peak physically in their early 30’s as acutely as I did?
5) Why do we celebrate when things are going well for people? For example, we celebrate births, graduations and weddings. How about middle age spread where your friends would buy gift cards to clothing stores, showers for folks who are celebrating over a decade of being single (goodness knows I could certainly use some new tea towels and small appliances), or perhaps even celebrating your first complete calendar year taking anti-depressant medication? That shit would rock!
6) Morning radio. We want a quick review of traffic, news and some music. I don’t want to hear some patronizing, politically, correct, melodramatic rant that goes on for half of my commute. Shut your trap and play some music already. Perhaps I need to call in tomorrow morning just to get this off my luscious chest.
7) Would it all be ok if one day we just decided to walk out on our life as we know it? What if one day you just didn’t go to work, pay your bills and wandered the planet dependent on the kindness of others? If my bubble-bath-champagne-fuelled opinion counts for anything, I think we’d all be considerably more happy. I’m sure some foot pervert would happily maintain my pedicures and you’d share your bourbon with me wouldn’t you darling?
8) How much talking does the weather-person have to freaking do? Just tell us the temperature, the type of precipitation, and if there’s a twister on the way you annoying-waste-of-time! Sheesh!
9) People who call to schedule appointments through the work day, and complain, ” But I work.” Yah? Really? I work too – do the math. We all work, see # 3, and appreciate we all like to be treated with the same respect.
10) How come my pizza guy always looks like a brow-beaten-on-the-edge-of-starvation character out of the Grapes of Wrath and not a porn star?
Yes, that covers the tiniest bit of what travelled through my wee little girl brain tonight as I soaked my voluptuous, inebriated body in a deep, hot, bath.
I think I could be verging on genius. Of course, I think you are too darlings. Really, I do.
After having those not so charming questions loll around my pretty little head, I have decided to head straight for a protracted state of champagne-denial. Life is good my sweet little peaches, you just have to think it so.