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Why We Need Men

Jeff Bridges admires Julianne Moore at New Yor...
Jeff Bridges admires Julianne Moore at New York LebowskiFest 2011 (Photo credit: ChrisGoldNY)

You must be over 18  and an Open-Minded, Sexually Liberal Adult to enter this blog….

“Why We Need Men”…or women, whatever your particular gender identity or sexual preference, you get what I’m going for here…

One of GQ’s covers this month, featured fellow Buddhist Jeff Bridges. He’s  on my I-Would-If-I-Could list.

Old gnarled up Jeff Bridges really lights my fire ladies and gents. His rugged two-day beard, the way he holds his jaw, and fills up a big screen with his raw laid back machismo makes me want to be close to a MAN. Meow!!!

The mouth-wateringly sexy cover was a good enough excuse to pick up the magazine and bring it home so I could slobber over another interview with the famous, intriguing ‘Buddhist’.

While flipping through the pages, I happened upon an article intended to reassure men that our ‘small bedroom appliances’ would never take their place. I’ve reached that tender age where reading the article would have been a tad elementary.

After all darlings, at this stage, we’ve all made the foray into the land of I-Never-Want-To-Be-Bothered-With-Man-Crap again.

This little journey into the dark forest of what I like to delicately refer to as ‘self-care’ offers an education in B.OB.’s (battery operated boyfriends), lifelike models of the phallic landscape, slippery prosthetic tongues, the ‘cone’, gags, ties, whips, slips, chains and canes, lube, tube and, ultimately, disinfectant. Le sigh….

Alas, it’s kind of like buying a long skipping rope with no other playmates to turn it for you.  This is precisely why we need, or choose to keep the company of our succulent and satisfying men.

There is no more powerful antidepressant or anti-anxiety than the comfort offered by human contact. Whether it’s a sincere hug, or a full-on-body-contact-bedroom-bonanza, having a real life partner to connect with is priceless.

At the end of the day, after all is said and done, we’re all trying to connect. Why else would there be a zillion toys on the ever-thriving adult market trying to make up for the simple miracle of human anatomy?

So, gentlemen, do not let a lady’s collection or experience frighten you.

Consider it a compliment that an experienced woman who has a choice of suitors has invited you to join her on a journey into that warm, wonderful, slippery slide into a full-on intimate relationship.  Consider yourself blessed if it’s accompanied by a deep friendship and lifelong commitment.

 

 

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Why Nice Guys Finish Last First, then First Last

Nice Smile
Nice Smile (Photo credit: Tobyotter)

Yes, it’s a quite a bit to wrap your pretty little heads around, but eventually it makes sense.

Have a long pull on your short bourbon ladies, and settle in to tell us the story of the one who got away, or, if you’re anything like the bitch I’ve been, the one ( or hundreds) you pushed away.

So, let’s get down to the naked truth shall we my sweet little puddin’ pies?

Why Nice Guys (ultimately) Finish First…

1) Eventually we understand that a man of his word is better than a man of sleazy charm.

2) Nice stays nice. It’s kind, and cozy, and something you want to be around for a long, long, long, long time.

3) Eventually not-so-nice-guys wear thin on false-promises, and hedging their bets that some other chick will come along for a cheap thrill.

4) Nice is hot. Assholes are not.

5) Women can look forward to a nice guy. Anticipation is sexy and makes us warm up to give you lots of hot, creative, good-lovin’.  Not-so-nice-guys are a constant disappointment.

6) Nice guys never have an issue with their erection. It’s true darlings, don’t deny it. They’re honest with no psychological baggage to weigh down their mascot.

7) After reading #6, why read any further?

8) Gosh you’re demanding!!! Please, have another sip of that bourbon darling…. Nice guys don’t need reminding of your birthday, your anniversary, or that you need extra-special TLC on a regular basis.

9) Nice guys never forget how lucky they are to have a woman like you on their arm. They don’t scan the crowd to see what else is out there. They cherish what they have and maintain it sweetie pies.

10) Nice guys are ok with women who like to take the lead, and they feel flattered when you trust them enough to take  their turn.

Go ahead, work up your courage ladies. Pamper yourself with a hot bath, tidy up your tender bits, and get on the phone to that wonderful, nice guy that you know is out there waiting for you.  I promise you won’t be disappointed!

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Ladies Friday Night Drinking Song

At home alone tonight? Rinsing off a stressful week in a hot, candle-lit bubble bath? Go ahead, pour yourself something smooth and red. Get lost in the memory of that one fabulous lover who is your best friend….TGIF ladies…

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Everything That’s Wrong With the World

The First Thanksgiving, painting by Jean Louis...
The First Thanksgiving, painting by Jean Louis Gerome Ferris (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last night I was reminded yet again of the unfortunate state of our fortunate society when a television network aired a commercial for a children’s version of Hell’s Kitchen, or some such ridiculous program.

Really? Is this what we want to teach our children, to criticize their peers at work, and work in a threatening environment?! Give me a break.

What the world needs now is kindness, compassion, and generosity.  A new generation of pretentious bots doesn’t give me much faith that the growing trend toward spiritual ignorance and egotism is going to make this planet a better place to live.

I daresay the little darlings who will star in this heinous entertainment debacle and their misguided parents would even recognize the subtlety of sarcasm my sweet, juicy, peaches.

Unfortunately I have had to endure meals sitting with such gastronomic goons. Their obsessive criticism is a less than convincing smoke screen of negativity spewed forth in order to boost their image of superiority.  Talk about indigestion my darlings!

Breaking bread together has long been more than a way to sustain physical health and strength.  Meals have also been a ritualistic way for people of all cultures to celebrate rites of passage, express spirituality, and welcome others to our family and home.

Thanksgiving is a particularly poignant reminder of what it means to share a meal together. Sharing food has been an act of peace for thousands of years.

It has also been used as an aphrodisiac in the arsenal of skilled lovers since the dawn of time. Imagine the mood if, while feeding your lover a chocolate dipped strawberry,  they piped up with, “That would be better with slightly less chocolate”. I’ve never been a fan of mud wrestling, but I think the ensuing nude mayhem would be akin to Roman sporting events.

The recent trend toward people self-describing as ‘foodies’ has marked a decline in civilization as we know it. I like to call them ‘rudies’ instead.

That’s the polar opposite of the folks whom will be sharing our Thanksgiving meal next weekend.

No, don’t panic darlings, we’re celebrating a week early so that yours truly has an opportunity to take an extra-long weekend for the actual ‘Thanksgiving’ holiday.

But enough of my wonderful life, back to ‘Everything That’s Wrong With the World’.

I am an advocate of good company and gracious living. That means that no matter how terrible a recipe has gone awry, or how bold the wine-food companionship, you ought to graciously  thank your host and get on with the real matter at hand – enjoying  precious time together.

A few reminders for foodie-rudie’s this Thanksgiving;

1) First and foremost we don’t need to hear that you think the stuffing is too ‘sagey’. Sagey isn’t even a word.

2) Do not suggest a ‘better’ wine match. There likely are many better or ideal wine matches to the meal. We don’t want to know. We just want to relax and enjoy the bounty which is set before us.

3) No. Not everyone thinks that the dessert you brought is the best thing they’ve ever tasted, nor do we need to be corrected with regard to the ethnic pronunciation.

4) Your job is not to upstage the host/hostess. Your job is to be kind and entertaining. Should you fail those most basic social requirements, do not expect a second invitation or a second date.

5) No one cares how you ‘prefer’ your food to be prepared. We prefer that you maintain the most basic rules of civility.

6) Expect someone to roll their eyes and tell you to shut up if you make even one negative comment in your outdoor voice.

7) Rest assured that you will not get laid by anyone, ever,  should you talk about what certain foods do to your digestive system. Know your food limit and eat within it.

Everything that’s wrong with the world begins at your very own breakfast, lunch and dinner tables my sweeties. Kindness, good manners and the ability to enjoy simple blessings is nurtured every day as we ‘break bread’. If you fail to appreciate this, you really fail to understand the meaning of life.

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Weekend News Summary

Kissing Black-tailed Prairie Dogs (Cynomys lud...
Kissing Black-tailed Prairie Dogs (Cynomys ludovicianus). Français : Chiens de prairie à queue noire (Cynomys ludovicianus) se faisant la bise. 日本語: キスしてるオグロプレーリードッグ (Cynomys ludovicianus) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes, here it is my sparkling little diamonds of lust, the not-so-breaking-weekend-news-summary.

Cozy up with an icy mimosa and get ready for a titillating journey through the basic news stories of the weekend.

The gap between the rich and poor widens. Artists continue to pump out inspiring, heart-wrenching and thought-provoking work, and someone has written a self-indulgent book.

Yes sweeties, that just about sums it up. However, I am going to enlighten you with how all of it ties together in the teeny, tiny, immaculately decorated chambers of my girl-brain.

First, let me discuss the self-indulgent book review about The Art of Sleeping Alone, by Sophie Fontanel. This isn’t a title that would catch my eye, so God bless Globe writer Sarah Hampson for the warning.

Basically some French broad gives up sex at the age of 27, and has orgasmic experiences with nature, and her own sensations of the wild, wonderful and sometimes wicked world in which we live. End of summary darlings.

Skip to the front page of the Globe TO section that highlights the differences between two rivals fighting for the federal riding of Toronto Center. It’s a face off of pretty faces as the liberals (boo) and the NDP (yay) talk about how they will vie for the seat amongst the poorest of the poor and richest of the rich.

The interview consists of questions focused on the ever-widening, vastly dangerous gap between the rich and the poor. Of course the liberal walks a fine line (after all, she’s led by the ever handsome born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-my mouth descendant of Canadian royalty), and the NDP fight for the underdog.

I, on the other hand realize that myself and most of my contempories belong to the group of folks working our tushes off to carry the upper-class. Ugh. Not sexy darlings, not sexy at all.

We are however, the artists and dreamers that keep the human spirit alive. Creativity, the great mother of art, only swells under oppression and strife. Raise your glass fellow writers, for we are the subversive, joyous protector of the soul.

The front page this weekend, “Toward a New Brazil” takes us to a country that has recovered from the dire economy, resulting violence, poverty and crime as predicted will be our gloomy economic future of have and have-nots.

Now, doesn’t that make you want to snuggle? Seriously, doesn’t it make you want to hold everyone near and dear to you a little tighter, celebrate the simple things, and have someone to snuggle up with at the end of a long, hard day?

Exactly. Just what I thought my delicate little songbird. Just what I thought.

As far as Sophie Fontanel’s book is concerned, I know what it’s like to never want to have sex again. Basically, her predicament is summed up as having suffered a lot of bad sex, resulting in her preferring celibacy.

Believe it or not, I can relate. Following my last long-term relationship, the last thing I wanted was to have any man touch me. Yes darlings, that’s how absolutely appallingly repulsed I felt about him. I vowed a year of celibacy. It only lasted a few weeks, but I’ve been to the edge darlings, and have made it back.

I reveled in stretching out in my bed, not having to wake up to some whiner who’s first words every day were negative. I loved not sleeping with someone who snored. I especially enjoyed falling asleep without wanting to launch the horse’s ass out of my window. Ah, yes, the bliss of sleeping alone.

I’m not one to lose hope though my darlings. I know that there are still wonderful, loving, handsome, deliciously sensual men out there who make my heart skip a beat, have handsome shoulders on which I can rest my pretty, little head, and who have hugs that, no matter what, make me feel loved, safe and ready to take on the world again.

So, in light of our decidedly selfish upper-class and toiling lower class, wouldn’t you feel better curling up beside the love of your life, or perhaps the love of a season, taking refuge in the beauty and simplicity of love?

Screw this French celibacy celebration and bring me my champagne!

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“Find what you love, and do THAT”

Easier said than done darlings...
Easier said than done darlings…

Yes, it’s just one of the more endearing quotes that plaster my social media walls.

Find what you love, and do that.

It sounds blissfully simple doesn’t it my darlings.?

Simply wake up every day, and do what makes your heart pitter-patter a little bit faster, makes your smile that much more toothy, and your entire aura vibrate to a wonderfully tuned and heavenly, “Om”.

Last week I promised myself that I would dedicate one full hour every day to something that makes my life brighter, happier, and more bearable. I promised myself that I would commit to at least one hour of writing novel number two.

 

My writing fell off the radar in the midst of job changes, sports momming and keeping the lights on. When my writing suffers, the rest of my life suffers.

After all, we are what we think, aren’t we darlings?

When I’m not writing, my imagination swells and puts pressure on the rest of my brain, and I lose my sense of humour, fun and wonder. Instead I get restless, impatient, and fabulously assertive.

I’ve reached that wonderful age where I know what I love, but I’ve got myself in a pay-the-bills rut.

I will share with you my “Love To Do” list, which may inspire a list of your very own.

Be sure to pick one thing to do on a daily basis, and a couple to make sure you do at least once a month.

 

LOVE TO DO

1) Writing or reading anything that contributes to creative thought and unleashing your creative spirit.

2) Drinking red wine in the bath followed by a good girl talk via telephone with your bestie who also misses the days before marriage and kiddos.

3) Lingerie and wild, sweaty, mind-blowing sex with a hot lover. Should you be monogamous, you may need a little tweak from a tall glass of bourbon straight up, no rocks. Oh, that’s just for the change room sweetie. I suggest something much stronger immediately prior to the boudoir. Everyone just looks and feels more sensual when their inhibitions are low sweetie. Don’t be shy, keep pouring…

4) Enjoying the great outdoors. Walking, hiking, running, hell, even sitting on a bench where you can see a patch of dirt. It’s all good.

5) Meditation. When you’re too busy to sit, you may as well quit. Do not do this under the influence of vino or your adult substance of choice, otherwise you may just completely blow your own little mind sweetie.

6) Flirting. Yep, you got it. Just do it. I had believed for a long, long time that I had lost my ability to flirt. It’s true, if you don’t use it, you lose it. Lately I’ve been practicing, and needless to say ladies and gents, there are a few boys out there feeling pretty darn hot. Flirting – it’s a win-win.

7) Taking a day off and having absolutely no set agenda. Nothing, not even plans to get out of bed and put on your sassy little panties. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Just roll out of the sack when you feel rested and go from there.

8) Intellectual conversation that borders on madness. Of course you must socialize in proper society, as this one requires a more sophisticated partner, but I know you have the connections pussy cat. Oh, and something deliciously intoxicating to sip, in order to fuel the madness.

9) Art. View it, feel it, create it. Just DO it. It untangles your perceptions and creates that je ne sais quoi that makes you brilliant and beautiful.

10) Kissing. Lots of it. On the lips. Soft, wet, hard, light, intense, whatever…just kiss and keep kissing like your clothes are crazy glued on and that’s the only way you can connect with your lover.

I hope this inspires a little more ‘you’ time my delicious darlings.