Yes, I really do drink bourbon. On the rocks. As a matter of fact it’s usually a couple of shots on the rocks, with a swift gulp of the top end of the glass before it gets too watered down.
My delicate rationale is that if I’m going to drink something that’s going to be my moral and physical demise, I’d like it to actually feel like it’s killing me the moment it hits the back of my throat. Kinda like drinking bleach, but a little more slowly, and with much more grace.
Good bubbles on the other hand suck the moisture out of your mouth upon first swish, and slink down your throat like a slowly tightening noose. Wine – it’s gotta be red, rustic, and ready for food. Any-which-way, I like my poison a little on the rough side.
You see darlings, any woman can tottle a cocktail, rock at gin and tonic (which has a special place in my pretty pink heart), or nurse a glass of wine. It takes a woman with substance, class and a mind of her own to manage a less polite beverage and get on with the real issues of the day.
On the subject of ladies (or gentlemen) drinking alone, my bible-thumping grand-dad would say drinking anything, especially alone was a mortal sin. This is simply a load of tepid hog-wash darlings. Tepid hog-wash indeed. Sometimes drinking alone is much more called for than drinking in the company of other fabulous women and men.
Simply put, when you need a stiff drink, it’s not likely your choice of refined companion can handle the resulting dialogue and truth-telling.
Don’t wag your finger and tell me about the evils of drink, addictions and the moral disintegration of society by the likes of women like me. Chances are my sweet little apple dumpling, you contributed your fair share to the recession-induced-LCBO-economic-boom. Besides that, I’ve lived with abusive alcoholics, and there is a difference between having a drink now and then and being dependent on it by using it as a crutch to be a jackass. But I digress….
A good-stiff drink can be the mint-sprig in the julep of life my darlings. As such, I provide you with a list of how-to and how-not-to enjoy your adult beverages;
1) If it’s too sweet, you’ll drink too much and become a poster-child for the before side of waterproof mascara adverts. Stick to something you can feel going down, and you’ll set a more reasonable pace to keep you from over-indulging.
2) Only indulge when in the company of other refined ladies and gentlemen who enjoy stimulating conversation, dry-wit, sarcasm, and who keep up with current events. Otherwise, you keep the company of mere drunkards and simpletons.
3) Decide on the flavour of the occasion. For example; a) celebrating an achievement with a group – stick to bubbles. ( I recommend local Hinterland vintages), b) for thoughtful conversation and intelligent subjects go for bourbon or some such delicacy as scotch. c) All meals should be accompanied by wine regardless of your cocktail or aperitif d) Martinis – a wonderful after work celebration for any day of the week
4) Martinis should not be consumed as a dessert in a glass. You will never, ever be Carrie Bradshaw or look like you fell out of an episode of Sex-In-The-City, nor do you want to sweety. Follow the triple D rule for this as in bra sizes; dirty, dry, and double. Accept no substitutions.
5) Only imbibe with those who do not become boorish or nauseated. Keeping the company of rude folks is simply insufferable, and cleaning up vomit is not on the roster of things anyone-wants-to-do-ever.
6) Learn to create and enjoy your preferred beverage at home. Always have the ingredients on hand.
7) Only drink and backseat drive. This is much more fun and you have the advantage of being able to give hand signals out the window without interfering too much with traffic.
8) Always have a man who is willing to come over in the case of over-indulgence-emergencies such as incurable horniness, the overwhelming and insatiable desire to have someone of the opposite sex read poetry to you while soaking in a hot bath and continuing to drink, or if you’re afraid you’re going to sleep through your 4am airport limo pick-up…not that I have ever succumbed to any such nonsense of course.
9) Do not offer to have your companions, ‘try a sip’. What is this a choose-your-own-oral-bacteria guessing game? No ’tis decidedly not. Stick to your own drink and leave the straws at home.
10) If someone asks if they should bring wine the answer is yes. Always yes.