Good lord save us all from another season of wedding bell
hell bliss. I offer you a list of current rules of wedding etiquette to consider for the 2013 season of matrimony.
1) You are absolutely, without-a-doubt not expected to attend the massive wedding (or bridal shower) of a mere acquaintance. Please see my new-found etiquette reference, which includes tear out sheets for the acquaintance who so thoughtfully included you on their special day.
2) When I was a kid, the value of wedding gifts had to factor in the cost of your dinner at the wedding. If you find yourself asking whether it’s an open bar and calculating the amount you’re going to spend on a gift, stop. Just stop it. A gift is a gift. Always buy within your budget and give from the heart.
3) Do you have to attend the wedding and the reception. I don’t know? How’s your ‘you’ time going these days? Feel like you can’t sacrifice your personal time to attend both? Then don’t. Pick one or the other.
4) Two weddings on the same day? This had me flustered and flummoxed last year. I had a cousin’s wedding and a friend’s wedding on the same day. I chose to do the long drive to see my cousin get hitched, and spend the reception time close to home so I could take a cab. It’s up to you, but remember you can’t be in two places at once, and friends understand this.
5) Special diet requests. Only if you’re going to swell up like a blimp and have a terrible allergic reaction or a massive coronary. The last thing a bride and groom need is to be catering to preferences. You’re invited as a guest, not as royalty. Keep it simple.
6) Bringing guests. If the invitation says ______________(your name here) + guest, then by all means, invite a guest. If not, either go solo or not at all.
7) Wearing white. Yah, don’t wear white, or cream, or any other colour that competes with the brides dress. It’s just bad form sweetie, and like it or not, people will think you’re an idiot.
8) Alcohol consumption. Well, personally, it’s the only way I’ve gotten through some weddings, so do what you must and accept the consequences. If you are a bridesmaid, by all means, get loaded. After all, it will serve you well to forget what you had to wear.
9) Suffering through vocal soloists. Soloists are the rednecks of wedding music. Sit still and do not make eye contact with your friends. Giggling and/or laughing out loud is considered rude.
10) Advice to the bride. She doesn’t need any. This is about the couple not you. Keep it zipped.
11) Catching the garter or bouquet. Leave it for the desperate and the drunkards. It’s not worth tearing a seam. If you really want flowers, go get yourself a bouquet on Monday from the local greenhouse.
11) If you have accepted an invitation to a wedding, you have accepted an unspoken agreement to be polite, non-judgmental, and sincerely supportive of the wedding vows. When in doubt, ere on the side of silence my darlings.