Today was the day I made the effort to reconcile with my friend the gym.
It’s been a while. Since I took to outdoor running and paddling, the stale air of indoors hasn’t held the same appeal.
As much as I will miss being on the water with a great team of women, I know that my shoulder is done. Shot. Finito. Caput.
So, it is with sadness that I leave the river and go back to the gym. Back with gratitude too though, because it’s within walking distance, and I love it.
Combined with my yoga in an oak and stained glass sanctuary, and my running on the trails by the lake, I think it will all balance itself out, and my little, worn out soul will be happy.
Besides the stale air, the gym is also a festering pool of dodgy material to write about. Writers are always observing. Perhaps we all have a slightly perverse voyeuristic bent, but that’s kinda sexy. Right?
As my torn tendon screamed in pain, I ignored it and focussed instead on some of the general truisms about gym life. I bundled them all up in my teeny, tiny girl brain, and brought them home to share with you;
1) The men who like to have their women covered head to toe in the name of religion, are the first ones to settle into a cardio spot with an excellent sight line to the women’s fitness room. The gym is a haven for sexual hypocrites and perverts.
2) The older you get the less you care about your panties showing above your yoga pants. You just hope you don’t toot or actually shit yourself.
3) Men in spandex all look less than attractive. Unless you’re Channing Tatum or some such masculine delight, wear something else. Please.
4) Fill-in instructors all have full-timer envy, and make it their mission to push you to that psychological breaking point where you fantasize about giving them a thong wedgie and a slap.
5) Where there is cinder block, there is sweat and bacteria. I’ve never stretched against a gym wall that wasn’t appallingly moist.
6) Someone will always hog the piece of cardio equipment you were hoping for. (That’s why I do my running outside.)
7) Gym yoga will always be the cheap, trashy version of the real thing.
8) When you least feel like going, you get the best work-out. Some deep breathing and sweat make you feel alive, and tickle your smile out where everyone can see it.
9) Gym water fountains. Ew. Just ew.
10) Squash courts have always been, and will always be THE very best place to pick up quality men. Trust me on this one ladies.
11) Any class description that includes the word ‘Bootcamp’ makes you want to die, but is totally worth it…in a week or so when you can walk again.
12) Open showers. A good indication that your gym needs a reno. Shower at home – see number one.
***If you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s because my right arm mercifully fell off.***