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Valentine’s Day for Dummies

Candles (Photo credit: teddy-rised)

Yes, that’s you.

Do not arrive at your lover’s door with a grocery store bouquet and the dusty drugstore chocolates left over from Christmas.

Also, do not arrive with a vibrating vinyl pillow, whose inner magic is provided by a removable, vibrating  stick that inspires images of contraband Mennonite sex toys. Ew.  Yes, that actually happened.

Also do not regale your delicate lady-love-bunny with a brand new…shot gun. Yes, that actually happened too.

Worse yet, do not whine your way out of the one day of the year that holds the most potential for fun and out of this world wild, jungle-animal….bonding.

Whether you go for an extravagant dinner, or a simple moonlit walk, you will both wind up together in the cozy warmth of your house or hers.  If you want fabulous gentlemen, you have to go for fabulous. As in, go balls to the walls all out for an amazing, blow her mind experience that will leave her smiling, perhaps limping,and her colleagues guessing for weeks.

You will need candles. Lots of them. Go for white – that way you can use them any time when you need to  fan the flames of romance. Throw a few rose petals around, and voila – instant va-va-va-voom!  You should be able to pick up rose petals at any decent florist.

Chocolate. Yes, chocolate, perhaps you’re making a little tray of fruits and delights to feed your lover, or perhaps you have something even more delicious in mind. I recommend chocolate sauce.  To make it,  simply melt two milk/or dark chocolate bars over low heat (or in the microwave). Blend in a tiny bit of cream/milk. Remember the chocolate will harden when it cools so add enough cream.  You now have a delicious paint to create art on your lover’s body.

Use your imagination for the rest. Note of caution – a little goes a long way. The last thing you want is indigestion while you’re nibbling your love nugget.

Bubbly. Something  yummy that you know your lover and yourself enjoy. I enjoy a classic Cava,  and Bracchetto for a sweeter indulgence. Both go well with strawberries and ganache.

Of course a man like you knows the importance of being organized and prepared.

That means candles and rose petals in position. Chocolate sauce paint by the bed with a delicate paint brush. Fresh, clean fruit (perhaps dipped in chocolate, or filled with ganache) at the ready, with two (yes) bottles of bubbly on ice. Don’t forget the glasses, and a big jug of ice water for, well, let’s just call it “apres feast’, shall we?

Music. Yes, go all middle school on  your darling lady’s ass. Make a playlist just for the night. Go sappy, romantic love songs. Be brave…be 80’s love ballads and country hearts. Have it ready to press play as soon as you walk your blind-folded lady into the boudoir.

A token gift. Sure, it could be jewelry or a cute little stuffed bear. Maybe you gave her flowers and a tennis bracelet. Whatever. If you know your lady-love, you’ll know what she wants. Earrings are always pretty safe. Do not give pearls or opals – it’s just bad mojo.

Just as you are smouldering into a full blow VD bonfire, stop the action, look deep into your lover’s eyes, and read your choice of romantic poetry or prose. That will surely ignite the flame of…..

Laughter. Yes, what could be more sexy? Not too much fellas. If you can make us laugh, all of your homemade chocolate sexy-sauce, wilting rose petals, melting candle wax and tacky music will not go to waste.

After all, there is nothing better than  kissing someone who’s smiling.

Happy VD my gentle men. Happy VD.


3 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day for Dummies

  1. I think that I’d not only choose 80’s music, but I’d SING IT from outside her window as loudly as possible. If it takes awhile for her to hear me, it just means I get colder, which means she naturally wants to let me in and warm me up 😉

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