My Muse the News

g&tOk, almost a full week under my belt since the holidays, one gin and tonic in after a good run, and I’m ready to enlighten you, my highly intelligent, gentle, gorgeous readers.

The news is often a muse of mine. More often than not, it’s the soft, girly news that gets me riled, with a lovely blush of course.

Today my first inspiration came by way of fitness gear reviews. Just looking at the The Canada Goose Hybridge Lite Skirt, and I knew I was in for a treat.

Seriously darlings? I almost squirted my gin and tonic through my nose I laughed so hard. My sweeties at Canada Goose, and more importantly, any women who are thinking of purchasing this. Quit – for goodness sake – trying so hard. A down mini? Yes, that’s exactly where I’m cold darlings, my ample, luscious thighs and the warm, cozy womanly wonder that is snuggled underneath. And, yes, what a great idea,  I need something quilted to pad my fat ass. Thanks Canada Goose.

Roxy spandex shorts. I thought they were a headband. No thanks. The poor bloke running behind me tonight was likely traumatized enough with my three layer, granny panty wedgie without having a frill framing the entire tragedy.  Dear fitness designer….chubby chicks need clothes that fit or the rest of the world will poke their eyes out.

Hair goop to tame your fly aways after a work out. Really? Really? There are no ‘fly aways’ after a good workout, only the gleam of glistening. Yes, we glisten my lovelies, we do not sweat. Men sweat, and that’s why we love them. We do not need hair goop, we need great hats, headbands, or fast drying, ultra compact hair dryers.

Frankly it frightens me somewhat (please pour me another my sweet little plum), that the most practical piece of beauty advice came from Lady Gaga (whom, by the way I think is incredibly talented, and a savvy business woman). The Lady’s advice? Smooth some almond oil on freshly washed facial skin right before bed, followed by a light application of your usual moisturizer.  Sensible. You know what I say, sensible is sexy. Please send almond oil.

The centerfold? It was a smorgasboard of 11 moisturizers, all aimed at our delicate, feminine wallets of course.  Prices ranged from $24 to $275. $275 for moisturizer?! Sweetie – no. Just no. Enjoy some healing waters or a massage for half as much, and I guarantee your skin is glowing afterward. Better yet, let your lover moisturize your body for free.

No need to read the silly center-full-colour spread gals. I’ve saved you the work. You can go ahead and focus on real news now.

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