Dad Hair: def’n; Noun – Hair one inch or longer blown dry with a brush and blow dryer. Most often styled with women’s hair products. Most often a dead giveaway of gents 40+ or a Wanna Be.
Wanna Be: def’n; Noun – An old guy who wants to be a young guy. Highly unattractive.
Should your daily grooming routine (this is directed at gentlemen, unless you’re a very hairy gal) involve blow drying your hair, including your body hair,you likely need to revamp your routine.
“Look Sharp!”, a 15 step grooming how-to manual for men in this Saturday’s Globe and Mail, frightens the hell out of me. You see, I like a man’s man. Someone clean, up to date and with a morning get-out-of-the-house-and-get-to-work-routine that is fast and efficient. In other words, I want a man’s routine to make my own seem that much more feminine. Not an easy task especially after a women becomes a mother and/or comfortable with her own style and body, and no longer needs more than an hour primping. We need more time to catch up on issues of the day in the morning. We don’t want you to look perfect guys. We want guys. Your ruggedness is a compliment to our femininity.
I will take you through “Look Sharp” one item at a time.
#1 – “Say No To Lady Brows” – recommends using an eyebrow brush in the shower. WTF? If I found an eyebrow brush in a dude’s shower, I would think he had serious issues, and I confess, would likely use it myself.
#2 – “Lose the Baggage” – what to do about under-eye baggage…prop your head up on an extra pillow. Been there done that with my last prima-don, and it inhibits cuddling. Who wants to have to crawl up for a good-night kiss?
#3 -“Stop Shaving Wrong” – Ok, I like this one. Pay attention gents. I like the smooth cheekies against my
thighs er, face.
#4-“Be a Well-Oiled Machine” – Another shaving tip. Again, I can’t relate. I do confess to having a particular kink for watching a man shave with a shaving brush and razor. Not anything weird like legs or testicles (ok, maybe my legs)- his face – shaving his manly face.
#5- “Use Serum” – not. Under his moisturizer? What. The. Hell? Serum?! Really?
#6-“Smell Good Everywhere” – Yes. Yum. Smell good. But they recommend talcum powder. I don’t care if it comes from Holt Renfrew. Talc conjures images of chaffing. Chaffing can never smell good. Skip the talc. Just shower, use some yummy cologne, or, just shower again before you want us to kiss your man bits and other delicious fleshy regions.
#7-“MakePeace with your Body Hair” – discusses a hair aura. Good advice, especially, ” But don’t go too short, Freeman warns: “No one wants to share personal space with a prickly pear””. Amen.
#8-“Ditch the BeadHead” – pomade and blow-drying recommended here, especially for the folically challenged. DO NOT DO THIS. You will have Dad Hair, and not ever have sexual relations again. You may as well go for the eyebrow brush in the shower and the talc.
#9-“Blow your Lid” – Nope. I’m going to say that they should have put in a sex tip here, possibly even about the benefits of prostate stimulation….DO NOT BLOW DRY YOUR HAIR. Pretty please?
#10-“Reverse Your Losses” – again about how to make it look like you have more hair. Research shows that hair loss indicates higher levels of testosterone and va-va-va-bedroom. Skip the prescription drugs and the doctor’s office. Skip right on into bed, freshly showered, and voila! Extreme dude. Just what every woman wants.
#11-“Skip the Mouthwash” – Huh? Oh. Ok. Use a tongue scraper. I can live with that. I tend to abide by the “never invade your man’s bathroom time” rule. How long can it take to scrub-a-dub your tongue?
#12-“Tea Off” – Drink black and Green Tea to help bad breath. I can go for that.
#13-“Watch Your Back” – avoiding in-grown hairs by using a very manly buffing cloth. Would you keep the buffing cloth next to the eyebrow brush? My suggestion is give up narcism and let us in the shower with you and we’ll buff you. All over you…just sayin’
#14-“Tap into Flower Power” – unless this is about how to send your hot, sexy, strong, confident woman flowers, I’m not even going to comment….no comment. Ok. It’s about choosing fragrance. Choose a good one guys. We do love it when you smell yummy.
#15-“Put Your Best Foot Forward”-Toe Nail Fungus. What the hell? They talk about talcum powder, buffing cloths and eyebrow brushes, and find it necessary to include toenail fungus?! Clearly any man who needs prompting with regard to this little faux-pas will not be reading the Globe and Mail’s Style Section.
I got a kick out of reading this, enjoyed the front and back shots of the cute model, but otherwise, hope that no man (heterosexual and in my dating pool anyway) takes this too seriously.
Be clean. Dress well, and be the rugged, cuddly teddy bear we need you to be.