I bet you thought you’d never read an article sincere in its praise of overeating during the holidays. I’m not talking about binge eating, or eating food that’s not good for you.
What I”m talking about here, is using the abundance of the season to enhance your social allure, and mete out kindness via gastronomical consideration and the resulting silence.
It sounds almost too good to be true right? Well, it’s not.
This holiday season I have attempted this practice with success. It was a kind of meditative exercise, with little talking and thorough enjoyment of my meal.
When you’re surrounded by friends and having a great time, that’s the time to exercise restraint and consider your caloric intake judiciously.
As much as I love the get-togethers during the holidays, the obligatory show stoppers don’t really do much for my Christmas spirit, or for my tolerance of idiocy.
You see, if it weren’t for these events, I would be blissfully baking cookies in my kitchen, or quietly working away in my office, or perhaps enjoying a nice, long, snuggly lie in with my cuddly-wuddly-sex-pot-of-a-younger-man or perhaps a new-older-man-crush.
Alas. one must, at times attend unpleasant events, put on a good face and show up.
This is where the benefits of overeating can be reaped, and the motivation to burn calories sowed. You see, I figure, if your mouth is busy chewing, full, or sipping a cold glass of ice water, it is less likely to speak the god’s honest truth.
Speaking the truth is usually not so refreshing in the company of mere acquaintances and tends to get you kicked under the table, slapped in the chops, or fired.
As we all know, Christmas is certainly not the time to be anything but painfully and irritatingly politically correct. I know that you wonderful ladies skirt the lack of authenticity demanded by said political correctness.
You offer the world a colourful burst of candid truth-telling, unashamed honesty and the gritty authenticity that makes you so gosh-darn attractive.
But not at events that you feel obligated to attend.
In these situations, I urge you my socially desirable readers, enjoy every course and pass nothing up. Enjoy the cheese and dessert courses. Order a nice espresso and sit back, quietly meditating on the abundance set before you.
Nod, smile politely, and keep chewing.
At the end of it all, utter an enthusiastic compliment about the meal, wish everyone a merry Christmas, Kwanza, or whatever the celebration might be called at that particular table, and then smartly and without fanfare, get the hell out of there.
I highly recommend the extra calories be burned smooching under the mistletoe, making passionate love by the fireplace/christmas tree/window so the neighbours can have a peek.
Wishing you a tasty, politically correct holiday celebration, followed by unabashed revelry and a dash of hedonism.