It was that kind of day. You know the kind I mean ladies.
The kind of day that makes you want to go home, tear off your bra and panties and get into a snuggly, flannel, nightgown like your granny used to wear and wander around the house with a cup of tea in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
Don’t lie, you have those days too my fabulous lovelies, your secret is safe with me.
For your enjoyment, I present a list of rather tangy-thought-morsels-and-bits that I had today, thanks to a stress level of 11 out of 10.
1) My teenager was dumb enough to ask whether he could hang out in the lobby of a building where teenage girls had yelled at him from their window so at least he could be warm….Ah, no. Casanova, the last thing you need to be is ‘warm’ chatting with the type of young lady who yells at boys from their apartment window.
2) Joee (even the spelling makes me bilious) singing Christmas songs just makes his name seem that much more wrong.
4) At a certain age, chocolate really is better than sex.
5) There is actually a question on a parenting forum asking if a toddler can drink tea, and how much. Please refer to the Urban Dictionary for clarification of the adjective ‘dumbass’, or simply go meet the last guy I dated who had kids.
6) Eggnog. I’m banning my local grocery store because they aren’t carrying eggnog yet. You can only get eggnog for a month, and my money goes to the guy down the street who has a cooler full, even though he knows some of it will spoil before anyone ever considers drinking it. Besides, what else can you use to water down your breakfast rum in December?
7) Women who can’t identify as a separate entity from their man give me the willies. These are the same women who think the answer to every vagina-blessed person’s prayers is to find a man. Any man. No. In fact, the answer to most women’s prayers is to have these she-twits struck with some deeper intellectual intelligence, or be struck dumb.
8) Why on earth something always comes up (you know, like a brain aneurysm) when I’m trying to schedule a night in with my favourite Mr. Grey. Damn you aneurysm! Damn you!
9)Why a 30 minute ‘cocktail hour’ isn’t followed by a 20 minute nap every work day. We’d all just function so much better with this little refresher in the middle of the day and you know it. Yes, even those pretentious bags of poo who annoy the hell out you. Especially them.
10) Why some fabulous woman has not informed me about modular purse organizers before today – I think it’s a conspiracy!
Anyway, I was silently having those kind of thoughts as I muddled my way through the day until I had a surprise delivery at the office.
A ginormous 1kg chocolate bar from a friend. The remarkable thing is not that he knew I needed chocolate , the remarkable thing is that he was having an even more tea-tottling-flannel-glad-shotgun-carrying-granny day than I was.
That’s saying a lot, because I don’t think he’s ever even considered wearing a flannel nightgown before today.
So, on your worst days, reaching out and sharing with a friend can make it all feel better – for you both.
Unless he’s trying to make me fat??? That dirty toad! Maybe the world really is conspiring against me??? Nah, chocolate can never be used for evil.
Go ahead, make someone’s day!