The Cover Letter I’ve Always Wanted to Write

“I don’t think of myself as a poor, deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good. “
~ Oprah Winfrey ~

We’ve all sent out polite, cover letters with key phrases and adjectives sprinkled about, hoping for a response. Often I’ve wanted to just lay it all on the line, and write an honest, upfront one pager that makes HR scanners go wild and prompts investigation by a living, breathing person.

The cover letter that I’ve always wanted to write; 

To Whom This May Concern,

First of all, if you’ve already decided to give this job to someone you know, like your best friend’s husband, brother or wife, I wish you wouldn’t have posted it because you’re wasting my time.

I have worked as a reporter (yes, I’ve had my own column, had fans and critics), and know how to write intelligently. That should satisfy your requirement  for a ‘good communicator’.

I have also worked in advertising for an engineering company that catered to the police, fire and emergency rescue industry.  I created ad material (brochures, websites, catalogues, trade-show booths, etc.)to be used in more than three countries (and multiple languages), trained the crews on the equipment designed by the company, and managed to negotiate a good working relationship within a multi-generational family business.

I’m a licensed embalmer, and have been a funeral director in the heart of a bustling city. I’ve worked for the Chief Coroner of the province, a Regional Coroner, and somehow managed not to lose my mind, become an alcoholic, drug addict or weirdo.  I’ve arranged funerals, coordinated bereavement care for families, and sold pre-need funerals in people’s homes and at the beside. Besides having the intelligence and skill to do all of this, I have done it with compassion and grace.

My current employ is in end of life care. A lot of this work is done in the homes of people who are dying.  Not only do I assist with the care needs of fellow human beings who are face to ugly face with their mortality, I also negotiate the  painful tedium of office politics without losing my cool.

I’ve been involved in the slow process of health care system change and remain an optimist and creative thinker. I have presented to conferences, government ministries, and private sector donors (including international companies). All of the above have required knowledge and interpretation of multiple pieces of legislation, and professional discretion. Despite working in the face of death and beaurocracy, I remain an optimist, and encourage the involvement of students, and believe in the power of great mentors.

Technical skills? Obviously I’ve got a grip on social media, and the Microsoft applications we all use , as well as Adobe and other databases.

So, I’m responding to your ad because I think I’d be good at the job, and I’d like to move a bit further out of the death and dying scene.  The ANDSHELAUGHS standard has always exceeded any kind of accreditation demand or basic level of service or production.

Speaking of accreditation, I’m a dynamo with policy and procedure writing as I’ve been a co-lead in the private, non-profit and government sector  accreditation projects. I’m a great balance between nerd and a real, live, emotionally competent professional. My personal interests are writing, art, and some outdoorsy stuff.

Before the grand spring-board into bona-fide professionalism, I worked as a waitress, cashier and factory worker to get  my combination of three post-secondary degrees and diplomas. I know what hard work is like.

Go ahead and give the job to your buddy’s sister, or whomever you already have in mind, but if you’re really serious about finding someone to do it, give me a shout.

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7 thoughts on “The Cover Letter I’ve Always Wanted to Write

  1. The unusual and eye-catching gets read. I’d send it out if you’re ever serious about seeking employment. I’d hire you.

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