Top Ten Irritating News Items of The Week

“No American newspaper will print anything contrary to its own interests”
~George Bernard Shaw~

1) The butter sculpture of Toronto mayor Rob Ford at the Canadian National Exhibition. We go to the ex for the crappy rides and the once a year fair-food indulgence. Spare me the nauseating image of this-little-piggy-a-la-dairy.

2) Lance Armstrong. I work with cancer patients every day. Let’s get a big fat scoop of no-one-lives-forever and suck it up. Instead, how about we live well everyday and learn to practice gratitude and kindness? In the process we might even stop wondering why our polluted earth is making our cells mutate instead of dying a slow, painful death thanks to the vested interest our government has in big pharma.

3) My f-ing horoscope. Honestly, I was supposed to have met the man of my dreams by the 8th of this month and be wealthier than I was on the 1st. What gives?

4)David Letterman ogling Serena Williams. Old men drooling over young, beautiful women is not news.

5)Prince Harry’s naked-I-look-like-a-skinny-bald-dog-humped-over-a-naked-chick photos. Please. Just keep those for your nightstand TMZ. I’d rather see the prince clothed and use my dirty imagination. Thanks to you I now KNOW he looks like any other man naked. Thanks for ruining my fantasies. Thanks a lot.

6)New Blackberries and iPhones. We’ve all been there, done it, and gotten screwed on the stocks. Please report on something truly groundbreaking.

7)The details of the TomKat divorce. Really? Are we that fortunate to have this headline remain in the news like the lingering mucous from a chest infection? I thank God every day that I live in a country where this is news and not some woman being stoned to death. Come to think of it, why aren’t our newspapers full of real news? Oh yah, TomKat.

8)The Blue Jays losing. Losing is not news in this city. Oh what painful, painful, painful hell it must be to live as a Toronto sports fan. The Jays just pave the way for the real rape and plunder, as the Leafs get ready to publicly humiliate their fans once again. Like winter isn’t depressing enough. I’ve moved to the dark side – go Habs.

9)Any talk of referendum in Quebec. “PQ backs away from referendum proposal”. No shit.

10)All day weather forecasts. This has become our news in the GTA /Canada because journalism has sold out and prostituted itself. “Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” ~ Oscar Wilde~ Yes Mr. Wilde, I do agree.

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