I’m watching you as you second guess yourself. I see your carefully chosen clothes, double checking your coif in the glass as you walk by. I see how you wrap your copy of Men’s Health and Maxim up with the Globe and the Times. You buy them for the work-out advice. Riiiiight.
You’re not so different from us gals after all are you, you big, strong, sexy, know-how-to-bring-home-the-bacon-man-and-take-care-of-your-strong-sexy-bring-home-the-bacon-woman?
Besides the sweeter linguistic icing in women’s magazines, your what’s-going-on-with-those-women-and-how-do-I-catch-one questions are asked and answered in these magazines. I see you on the other side of the magazine rack as I am, scanning women’s magazines which profess to have the recipe for peace in the battle of the sexes. I see you.
In the September edition of Men’s Health, they feature a 36 step plan, “36 Ways to Get That Girl!”. Next to the title, there is a discrete topless photo of va-va-va-voom Brazilian Cintia Dicker. This would imply that should you (you wonderfully manly man’s man) follow this simple 36 step plan, you too would be able to snag a topless beauty. Women’s magazines aren’t that different. They usually dish up the same advice with a side of steamy prime-man-rib.
I’m going to dissect a few of the 36 points;
Number 13 – “Don’t sit on anything while you’re naked”….do you guys really need to be told this? Gross. Butt sweat anywhere is not a welcome guest.
Number 15 – “At a restaurant, give me the seat with the view”….Yes, we choose first. Your job is to pull out the chair, make sure we’re comfortable, and order really scrumptious wine. If you get this right, you may have the opportunity to prove you know better than to need the advice in Number 13. I don’t care if you’ve been together for eight thousand years – plan and take your gal on dates.
Number 18 – “If you have something beautiful delivered to my office I will sext you”…meh…sexting is not as good as the real lovin’ that will take place when you get home.
Number 19 – “Give the perfect hug”…women need hugs like lungs need air…great advice to hug freely, generously and at length.
Number 31 – “If you notice that my boots need re-heeling, that my closet door squeaks, or that my watch needs a new battery, take care of it – without being asked”….this tip makes the magazine worth your dime fellas. Another piece of advice – lift and move heavy stuff without being asked. Useless men around the house become disposable in the bedroom. Be useful = be deliciously sexy.
Number 32 – “Write a song for me”….mmmm, not so much. Write me a sincere note. Write me a letter. Buy a great card that tells me how wonderful I am and surprise me. Unless you’re Lionel Ritchie, skip the song writing and singing.
Number 35 – “Would you move into a new house without exploring every room? My body is that house, you don’t know me unless you’ve kissed every inch of me”….Amen. Hallelujah…get your pucker up boys….
Men’s magazines are proof ladies. Men do really want to make us happy. They just don’t have a clue how do it. I won’t go as far as one article in a recent publication that compares training a man to training a dog. I will advise to be gentle, breathe deeply, and continue with the frequent and free therapy of girl talk.
I see you. When you’re not looking, I see you looking over your shoulder, and wondering if I do see you. Don’t you worry boys. We’re watching.