Please Talk Dirty Politics and Don’t Shave Your Wiggly Bits

Never invade your lover’s bathroom privacy. Even if your lover has been your lover for a kazillion years. If  you only take one piece of advice from me ladies, treat this little nugget of wisdom as sacrosanct.

Ok, so that’s not exactly the wisdom that one courtesan might pass on to another, but it’s a great piece of advice.

Which brings me back to the things that make us better lovers. Lovers? Yes. Lovers.  I think we all should be lucky to remember, in our old age, a lover (or few) who was truly that. Now, there’s one caveat here ladies, I am single. Recently single even from my brief forray into monogamy which I hope to forray into again soon. In the mean time though…..

What is it that makes a woman attractive to a man? I’m wise enough now to know it’s not just fabulous breasts and great legs, although that does help. There is something more to attraction than beauty though. What about wisdom, wit and a wacky sense of humour?

Think about it gals. We’ve all been attracted to the hunky guy with the great  pecs and incredible eyes, but when he opens his mouth it’s like when they turn the lights on at the end of the night in a club. You think, “What the hell is going on?!”

We’re all coy, men and women alike, trying to time our enthusiasm as we guage the interest of the other. But where do we learn this? Who taught courtesans in the art of courtly love? Other women. But who taught the other women? Men.

I believe that we learn how not to be undesirable from the very men that we wish to be desirable to. For instance when a guy is a jerk about something, we know not to be bitches about the same thing. My previous honey must have  dated boars prior to winning the jackpot of love when he snagged me.  Somewhere in his amateur manbrain he thought that since we had made it to that magic finish line of initial romance, he could start belching and passing gas freely. Quickly he learned one of my very favourite rules of dating (and I will call it dating until I’ve walked down the aisle and stood at the altar); “If I didn’t marry it or give birth to it, I don’t want to smell it or clean up after it.” I have solemnly vowed to  gift the same courtesy. Truth be told, when it comes to men,I never want to smell it or clean up after it, unless the smell is designer, and the cleaning up involved getting our naked bits sweaty together.

Another general guideline is that I don’t want to have any type of five o’clock shadow scratch me. ANY type, if you know what I mean. What happened to gentle manscaping? I do not want to rub snuggly bits that have been shaved. Besides, I just find that creepy. Razor blades and testicles go together like cheese and lobster. Ick.

Speaking of hair, it’s generally nice not to know where the other might find plucking and tweezing necessary. I understand that men may have difficulty with ear hair since it’s hard to see your ear in the mirror.  I also understand that understanding this means that I’m getting older.

My father used to sneak me into the bathroom to pluck his ear hair. Despite giggling so hard I shook and regularly cut the inside of his ear, he kept up his grooming. I have great respect that after 25 years of marriage, he still wanted to look good for my mother.   We all have our own little black holes of plucking ladies, and as lady estrogen moves into her retirement, we tend to find more. This is why god made candlelight and increasingly poor nearsightedness – so we can remain ardent lovers into our old age.

So we’re all a little hair challenged.  What gets us up close and personal with that hair? Besides being naturally sexy and desirable, there’s a little je ne c’est quoi about someone who is intelligent. The key is to have that very sexylicious balance between blue-collar and black tie. Do you know how to use a hammer and screwdriver? Do you know the history of foreign aid to  Israel? Any man who can give a “yes” answer to both and expound on the “yes” gets my vote. And you know what? His pecs look all the better for it!

I have a feeling, just a niggly little feeling somewhere deep down in my teeny tiny heart that men might feel the same way. Some how, I think that my breasts get more voluptuous and my smooth legs more sexy when a man finds me somewhat interesting.  Although, there is something to be said in my case for showing more skin and talking  just a little bit less.

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8 thoughts on “Please Talk Dirty Politics and Don’t Shave Your Wiggly Bits

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